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Thread: Jokes

  1. #2861
    AndyG's Avatar
    AndyG is offline YarnMaster Silver Subscriber
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    An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


    The driver, a young man in a Brioni? suit, Gucci? shoes, RayBan? sunglasses and YSL? tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man,
    "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell? notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3? cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop? and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot? that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL? database through an ODBC connected Excel? spread sheet with email on his Blackberry? and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet? printer, turns to Billy and says,
    "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


    "That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square."
    says Billy.

    He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

    As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says,
    "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

    The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know?
    He grins and then says,
    "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

    "You're a politician & you work in Canberra."
    says the old timer.

    "Wow! That's correct,"
    says the yuppie,
    "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required."
    answered Billy
    "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
    to a question I never asked.
    You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are;
    and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living -
    or about cows, for that matter.
    This is a herd of sheep.

    Now give me back my dog."
    By all means get a Defender. If you get a good one, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
    apologies to Socrates

    Clancy MY15 110 Defender

    Clancy's gone to Queensland Rovering, and we don't know where he are

  2. #2862
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    Davo: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Yes sir you were speeding.

    Davo: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Davo: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Davo: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Davo: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Davo: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Davo: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Davo: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want
    to see.

    The Officer looks at ol mate, slowly backs away to his car, and
    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Mate could you step out of your vehicle please!

    Davo steps out of his Commo.

    Davo: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
    car and murdered the owner.

    Davo: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car,
    please.

    Ol mate opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

    Officer 2: Is this your car ?

    Davo: Yeah mate, here are the rego papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
    license.

    Davo digs into his bumbag and pulls out his license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you..... one of my officers told me you didn't
    have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.

    Davo: Betcha the lying ***** told you I was speeding too !
    [SIGPIC]

    2012 LR Defender 90 (BERT) Gone
    2012 Husqvarna WR 300
    2014 FPV F6 Gone
    2005 D3 SE V8
    2011 D4 V8
    2016 Moto Guzzi California Audace.

  3. #2863
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    Quote Originally Posted by carlschmid2002 View Post
    Mick: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Yes sir you were speeding.

    Mick: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Mick: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Mick: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Mick: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Mick: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Mick: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Mick: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if you want
    to see.

    The Officer looks at ol mate, slowly backs away to his car, and
    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Mate could you step out of your vehicle please!

    Mick steps out of his Commo.

    Mick: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
    car and murdered the owner.

    Mick: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car,
    please.

    Ol mate opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

    Officer 2: Is this your car ?

    Mick : Yeah mate, here are the rego papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
    license.

    Mick digs into his bumbag and pulls out his license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you..... one of my officers told me you didn't
    have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.

    Mick: Betcha the lying ***** told you I was speeding too !
    Fixed for authenticity.
    If you don't like trucks, stop buying stuff.
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  4. #2864
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    thanks Ian, Idon't drive a Comm

    dave

  5. #2865
    AndyG's Avatar
    AndyG is offline YarnMaster Silver Subscriber
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    Pensioner's reply re Coles
    Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Coles
    store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was
    in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
    little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
    starting the Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
    because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I
    woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
    and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
    it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat
    one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
    complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
    mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
    my story.)
    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
    food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
    Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
    laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Coles. better watch what you
    ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of
    daft things to say !
    By all means get a Defender. If you get a good one, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
    apologies to Socrates

    Clancy MY15 110 Defender

    Clancy's gone to Queensland Rovering, and we don't know where he are

  6. #2866
    Bob Harding Guest

    Retirement


    Retirement




    -




    Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.


    This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).


    Persons selected to be RAPEDcan apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).


    Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTEDwill be reviewed under the SCREWprogram (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).


    A person may be RAPEDonce, SHAFTEDtwice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.


    Persons who havebeenRAPEDcould get AIDS(Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).


    Obviously persons who have AIDSor HERPESwill not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.


    Persons who are not RAPEDand are staying on will receive as much ****(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.


    Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your Local MP who has been trained to give you all the ****you can handle.



    Sincerely,


    The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)











    PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.












































  7. #2867
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    The joys of daughters

    The daughter asks her Dad,
    "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me,
    that I didn't understand."
    "He said that I have a beautiful chassis,
    lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."


    Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if
    he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil
    with his dipstick"
    "I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights
    will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
    D4 2.7litre

  8. #2868
    Bob Harding Guest

    CHristian Revival Crusade Notice

    CHristian Revival Crusade Notice

    Minister,
    The Rev. Hey Not M.A. B.D.
    Perhaps you have heard of me and my international campaign in the cause of temperanmer.
    Each year for the past fourteen years I have made a tour of Australia and New Zealand delivering a series of lectures on the evils of drinking.
    On those tours I have been accompanied by a young friend and assistant, Clyde Lindson. Clyde, a young man of good family and excellent background, is a pathetic example of a life ruined by excessive indulgence in wine, whiskey and women.
    Clyde would appear with me at my lectures and sit out front on the platform drunk, wheezing, staring at the audience through bleary and bloodshot eyes, sweating profusely, picking his nose, belching and breaking wind and making obscene gestures at the ladies present, while I would point him out as an example of what over- indulgence can do to a person.
    This year, unfortunately, Clyde passed away. A mutual friend and companion has given me your name and I wonder if you would be available to take Clyde's place on my 2015 tour.
    Yours Sincerely for Christian Revival Crusade
    The Rev Hey Not (Minister)

  9. #2869
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    Thanks Bob, sorry to hear about Clyde...

    BTW does the rev. include old Land Rovers in his revival program down there?

  10. #2870
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    Baptizing an Irishman

    An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
    comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
    the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
    around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
    asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
    "Yes, I am."

    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
    back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
    "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
    dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
    water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
    "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

    By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
    again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
    he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

    The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

    (get ready for this)




















    The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
    catches his breath, and says to the preacher,







    "Are you sure this is where he fell in??

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