Thread: Jokes

ARABBARSHOUT














An Arab walks into a crowded bar and is about to order a drink when he sees

a bloke sitting close by wearing a yamulke, a prayer tallit and a traditional full

beard.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this man is Jewish. He calls

out to the bartender loudly enough so that everyone can hear,



"Drinks for everyone in here, but not for that Jew."


Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile,


waves at him and says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone
except the Jew. There must be close to a hundred drinks served.

As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Jewish man. He continues to
smile, and again acknowledges the Arab with a "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and

all the smug ***** does is smile and thank me! Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

Three guys tee off at the local. Moses, Jesus and an old bloke.
Moses is first, sweet strike on the ball and it hooks into the water. Damn he says, gets to the edge, parts the water and chips onto the dance floor. Birdies the par 4
Jesus tees next, same result as moses only the ball floats on the water, Jesus walks out on the water and chips up for his birdie
Next the old bloke gets up tees a shocker, bounces off a tree, onto the roof of the clubhouse, rolls down the gutter into the recycling water system, pops out of a sprinkler near the green and rolls in for an ace.
Moses turns to Jesus and says.. mate I hate playing with your father...

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.

Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

Teaching Maths in Britain
1. Teaching Maths In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of timber for ?100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for ?100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for ?100.
His cost of production is ?80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for ?100.
His cost of production is ?80 and his profit is ?20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of ?20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a ?100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something... He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident. However he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another ?100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further ?100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for ?100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly infested rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced ?12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make ?20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2015
A logger doesn't sell a lorry load of timber because he can't get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in America and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the ?1,200 road tax on his old lorry. However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay ?1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2020
أالمسجلتبيعحمولهشاحنةمنالخشبمناجل 100 دولار. صاحبتكلفة
الانتاج 80 منالثمن. ماهوالربحله؟= 20

If it wasn't so true it would be funny

Originally Posted by Chenz

If it wasn't so true it would be funny

Yeah the bad old days were awesome. No medical knowledge, work place accidents every other day, unsafe cars, you name it. Yeah take me back. Not

And love the Arabic slur to boot.

Originally Posted by gusthedog

Yeah the bad old days were awesome. No medical knowledge, work place accidents every other day, unsafe cars, you name it. Yeah take me back. Not

And love the Arabic slur to boot.

You know, I would rather drive my unsafe car in a safe world, not the other way around as we now have.