Thread: Jokes

Guy walks into my parts store. Says "I need a gas cap for a Pajero."

The salesman said, "okay, sounds like a fair trade".

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear
very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant
and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has
a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an
excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the
other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf
of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why
the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more
time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she
notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the
elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

According to Tetley, the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap her bum and say " two sugars fatty".

Originally Posted by Chenz

I cant believe it took nearly 3000 posts to get the Ed Zachary Disease joke

Same here!
But it had to be added to the archive

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

According to Tetley, the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap her bum and say " two sugars fatty".

Did it require surgery to remove the tea pot

Originally Posted by edddo

Same here!
But it had to be added to the archive

70% of the jokes that appear on here I have heard, yet the Ed Zachary was a new one to me.
Anyhow, enough talk and back to the jokes.


Q: When should you buy a bird? A: When it's going cheep!
Q: Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole? A: He wanted to make a long distance caw.
Q: There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn. If it laid an egg, which way would it roll? A: Roosters don't lay eggs!
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls!
Q: How do you catch a unique bird? A: Unique up on it.
Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? A: With its sparrowchute.
Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school? A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment.
Q: Why does a stork stand on one leg? A: Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?
A: He was a dirty double crosser!

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman
will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway,
the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you Paddy?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."