Thread: Jokes

Flight Stewardess to passenger "Would you like some Headphones " , Passenger to Flight Stewardess , " yes please , by the way how did you know my name was Phones " .

This morning a friend went to the Centrelink to sign his dogs up for benefits.

The lady said,
"Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits"

So, he explained to her that his dogs are coloured, unemployed, bone lazy,
can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Dads are.
They expect him to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

'My dogs get their first cheques next Friday' he told me
Bugger me, this is a great country!

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel.

While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, 'You can have

him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land

for just $100.'

The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. They

return with their answer to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald

Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend $50,000 to ship

him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend

only $100?



The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man died here, was buried here,

and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk.'

Today marks 6 weeks
Without any sugar
Swimming 1km each day before breakfast. I've stopped eating meat, dairy, flour too. No caffeine. The change in my body has already been fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol!
Eating a healthy diet that is completely vegan, gluten-free, caffeine-free and sugar-free. And working out for 2 hours every day! I have lost 15 kgs of fat and gained muscle mass!

I don't know whose post this was, but I was really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste!.......

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.

So they loaded up John's Landy and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few
minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?'
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
‘She just died and left me everything.'





And you thought it was going to end differently didn't you!

An elderly man, looking about 100 years old, and on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right.. But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 kph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer.He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 kph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
'Unhook my ****ing braces from your side mirror'

. . . Great excuse to do some house-keeping.... Took me all morning to do mine, - never realized I had SO many files !

Irish virus.jpgIrish virus.jpg

(To be sure, - To Be Sure....)