Thread: Jokes

BREAKING NEWS from the ABC

Frankston Melbourne Victoria

Police have found $12 million dollars worth of ice, 6 x AK47's and 200 live hand grenades at a house behind the library in Frankston

Residents are said to be shocked as they did not know that there was a library in Frankston.

After Apollo 11 got back to earth, they went to the White House to collect their medals. Collins dropped Armstrong and Aldrin off and circled outside in the car.

It's my daughter 32nd birthday tomorrow.
I will celebrate for exactly half a minute.

A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child.


It's called the Renault McCann.

I asked my New Zealand friend how many sexual partners he'd had.


He started counting but he fell asleep.

If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
'BOB, wake up....... You've **** the bed!

A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, and the man she is with, is a fat old slob who looks like a sexual deviant, mean and dangerous!” The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”