Thread: Jokes

I went to the cinema today.


I bought a drink, some lollies, and a large popcorn.


As I paid, I apologised that I only brought a $100 note with me.


The girl said, " That's ok, we can put the lollies back ".

A gent was

asked

about the secret to his success, on the occasion of his 50th wedding anniversary, and he said, "Defining roles and responsibilities, when we got married we decided that I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. Guess what, we have never had to make a major decision yet!"

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic mates, I've been saying "mucho" a lot more recently.


It means a lot to them.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!


I reckon you should stick to your firefighting, Eevo . You ain't much chop at standup.

🌲TOWNSVILLE'S
NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS🌲





T'was the night before Christmas and all through the 'Ville,
Little "creatures" from Kirwan were ready to steal.
All wallets were hidden and cars locked with care,
With hope in the morning they would all still be there.
Children are sleeping and parents alike,
Whilst in their backyard someone is stealing their bike.

I switched on the aircon and began counting sheep,
And settled right in for a good nights sleep.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed, to see what was the matter.
Seems someone has broken the lock to my front door,
And has driven away in my Commodore.

The Police were called to file a report,
We'll be there in 4 hours came the retort.
Say goodbye to your car and your neighbours new ute,
Cause Police aren't allowed to engage in pursuit.
The Constable says 'I'm real sorry mate
But our balls are in a vice, from the laws in this state'.

Coming straight out of Condon and up to no good,
Gangs of delinquents roam neighbourhoods.
They're bashing, they're stealing, they're cutting and burning,
They're robbing, they're breaking, each night they're returning.
Just when you believe they won't go too far,
They're jacking old people when they stop in their car.

You've set up the tree and laid out the presents,
Too unaware of an intruders presence.
You've bought the kids new scooters knowing full well though,
They will shortly belong to someone in Kelso.
And the cricket bat for Timmy to swing in the park,
Will be used in a Robbery once it gets dark.

They are creeping and sneaking quiet as a mouse,
As all the electronics are removed from your house.
They empty your cupboards, your pantry and drawers,
They'll find where your wallet is hidden for sure.
Your statement will show that your AMEX and Visa,
Were maxed out at BWS Mount Louisa.

Stolen cars are pulled from Ross River by divers,
While an ambulance treats the 12 year old drivers.
They are arrested and held by Police til the morning,
When the Judge lets them off with their 17th warning.
The Magistrate's happily let this farce go on longer,
Because it doesn't affect them in Yarrawonga.

Christmas morning you wake and open your eyes,
And find with the greatest degree of surprise.
That no burglar, no prowler, no mischievous brat,
Had managed to break through the door of your flat.
The tree and the presents you managed to defend,
You must be the luckiest guy in West End.

The dog was let out and your car may be taken,
But you somehow avoided a full blown break-in.
So key lock your doors and keep valuables out of sight.
Merry Christmas to all, and remember they'll come back tonight.

Personal experience perchance?

Originally Posted by Bigbjorn

TOWNSVILLE'S
NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS





T'was the night before Christmas and all through the 'Ville,
Little "creatures" from Kirwan were ready to steal.
All wallets were hidden and cars locked with care,
With hope in the morning they would all still be there.
Children are sleeping and parents alike,
Whilst in their backyard someone is stealing their bike.

I switched on the aircon and began counting sheep,
And settled right in for a good nights sleep.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed, to see what was the matter.
Seems someone has broken the lock to my front door,
And has driven away in my Commodore.

The Police were called to file a report,
We'll be there in 4 hours came the retort.
Say goodbye to your car and your neighbours new ute,
Cause Police aren't allowed to engage in pursuit.
The Constable says 'I'm real sorry mate
But our balls are in a vice, from the laws in this state'.

Coming straight out of Condon and up to no good,
Gangs of delinquents roam neighbourhoods.
They're bashing, they're stealing, they're cutting and burning,
They're robbing, they're breaking, each night they're returning.
Just when you believe they won't go too far,
They're jacking old people when they stop in their car.

You've set up the tree and laid out the presents,
Too unaware of an intruders presence.
You've bought the kids new scooters knowing full well though,
They will shortly belong to someone in Kelso.
And the cricket bat for Timmy to swing in the park,
Will be used in a Robbery once it gets dark.

They are creeping and sneaking quiet as a mouse,
As all the electronics are removed from your house.
They empty your cupboards, your pantry and drawers,
They'll find where your wallet is hidden for sure.
Your statement will show that your AMEX and Visa,
Were maxed out at BWS Mount Louisa.

Stolen cars are pulled from Ross River by divers,
While an ambulance treats the 12 year old drivers.
They are arrested and held by Police til the morning,
When the Judge lets them off with their 17th warning.
The Magistrate's happily let this farce go on longer,
Because it doesn't affect them in Yarrawonga.

Christmas morning you wake and open your eyes,
And find with the greatest degree of surprise.
That no burglar, no prowler, no mischievous brat,
Had managed to break through the door of your flat.
The tree and the presents you managed to defend,
You must be the luckiest guy in West End.

The dog was let out and your car may be taken,
But you somehow avoided a full blown break-in.
So key lock your doors and keep valuables out of sight.
Merry Christmas to all, and remember they'll come back tonight.

Funny.
I hear the locals call it Brownsville.

I've just found out that my girlfriend is a ghost....

To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.