Thread: Jokes

Drove past a Vet's sign the other day that said,
"When you have a bladder infection"
"Urine trouble"

I proposed to my ex wife last week, but she said no.


She knew I was only after her for my money.

A farmer was ploughing his paddock in his airconditioned tractor when over the radio comes an ad for the "worlds biggest tractor fair" coming to Toowoomba.
He was so excited. He'd gone up with tractors all his life. He couldnt believe it was actually coming to his town.
Day after day he kept ploughing the land, hearing the ad and he was pumped up to go.
As the months turned into weeks, he told his family to get ready for the big day. His family knew their dad was a tractor nut and all declined the invitation. It didnt dampen his enthusiasm at all.

Finally the big day arrived. The worlds greatest tractor fair was on. He dressed in his best clothes, jumped in the car and headed off into town.
As he got closer to the fair grounds, he could see there was quite a bit of interest in the tractors. People were everywhere. He parked the car and off he went. His heart was running fast. He could hardly contain his excitement. He paid his entrance fee and in he went.
Wow, he coild not believe his eyes, every tractor he could inagine was there. From the old massey Fergusons right up to the latest john deeres. He walked around the fair for 20 minutes or so and came across a new McCormick tractor. It was beautiful. He walked around the tractor for a few minutes, sizing it up, then jumped on the first step, opened the cab door and he was inside. He turned the engine over and listened to the hum it made. Within a minute, security were onto him and jumped into the tractor and pulled him out. They gave him a stern warning that touching the tractors was off limits.

Not to be discouraged, he continued his walk through the fair. It was long before he came across the top of the range New Holland. He'd seen nothing like it. It was by far the best tractor he had seen. He had a quick walk around it, there was no security in sight so he took a chance. Up he jumped into the cabin, hit the start button and he was off. Imagining ploughing back on the farm. Security heard the commotion and again raced over and removed him from the tractor. " you do yhat again mate and you're out. Final warning."
He continued, a bit disappointed but hey, this was his dream come true and he wasnt about to let those setbacks ruin his day.

As he got about halfway through the exhibition he came across a huge stage, "The Worlds Greatest Tractor". It was a massive John Deere, a true allrounder in agriculture. He couldnt contain his enthusiasm. He had a good look around, no security to be seen. In a secong he was off, up the stage steps, up the steps of the john deere and into the cab.
He locked the doors and slammed the start button. The machine started with a roar. Wow, this was the best thing ever, he turned on the radio, pumped up the air conditioner and closed his eyes and thought of driving this baby at home. He was startled to find the security onto him so quickly. This time they grabbed him by the shirt, reefed him out of the cab and marched him straight to the exit. As they got him outside they threw him into the dirt and told him not to return.
He was devastated. He couldnt believe it. He'd been thrown out. This was the most embarrassing moment of his life.
He stood, dusted himself off and looked around.

Across the road was a pub. Well, why not he thought. This had turned out to be his worst day ever.
He walked into the pub and up to the bar and ordered a beer. The barman could see he was a bit unsettled and asked if everything was ok. Yeah, its ok mate.
At this moment the farmer noticed the barmans eyes were red and a bit watery. Is everything ok with you mate, your eyes look sore.
The barman replied that the smoke from the patrons smoking played with his sinuses sometimes.
The farmer got off his stool, walked into the middle of the room and took his deepest breathe ever. The barman couldnt believe what he was seeing. This farmer had just sucked all the smoke from the room in 1 breath. The farmer walked over to the nearest window and blew it all outside.
He walked back to the bar and the barman said,"that is bloody amazing! How can you do that?"
The farmer looked at him and said, "its easy mate, im an ex tractor fan".

At the local University, there were four students taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far.

These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Uni until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.

They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tyre and as a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day . . . The guys were excited and relieved. .. . They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.

They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.

Cool, they thought!

Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. . . .

Then they turned the page.

On the second page was written. . .

For 95 points: Which tyre? _________

Ithink extractor fan is a little better than “ better late than never”
mind you Eevo ,I only think so

Originally Posted by Hogarthde

Ithink extractor fan is a little better than “ better late than never”
mind you Eevo ,I only think so

i'll try and find more

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