Thread: Jokes

Hear about the bloke who was so worried about putting on weight during the Coronavirus lockdown that he decided to reduce the number of pizza slices he ate? So now he cuts his pizzas into 4 slices instead of 6.

My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes.


In the end it just Taurus apart.

How will I be able to pick up the Pisces?

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ..
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said

"A pumpkin ? " ..........What ? ... Is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

A bloke in a pub was bragging that for a drink he could tell blindfolded the type of animal any fur came from. He also said if there was a hole in it he could tell what type of weapon was used. As it was a country pub the locals decided to take him on. They bought in all types of hides from all over the world. The bloke was blindfolded and proceeded to run his had over the fur. The first one he said " That's a Red Kangaroo" and finding the hole said "Shot with a .270 Winchester" They all agreed he was right.

On and on he went for hours even stating to one "That's a zebra and the hole tells me it was speared by a Tutsi tribesman. By this stage he was getting pretty drunk and decided to wander home. The next morning he woke up on the floor with a black eye and terrible hangover. He looked at his wife who was scowling at him and said "How did I end up here like this"?

His wife said "When you got home last night rolling drunk you rolled into bed and put your hand down my pajamas and said Skunk, killed with an axe".

A police officer came to my door last night and asked where I was between 4 and 5.


He seemed irritated when I said "Kindergarten".

Originally Posted by ChookD2

Attachment 162082

Looks like Dublin and "many a true word spoken in jest".

Getting my drone stuck up a tree wasn't the worst thing to happen to me today.


But it's definitely up there.