Thread: Jokes

I blame this on the distance the message had to travel, not to mention crossing the international date line. We won't even mention getting it translated into the "Antipodean" vernacular......

My daughter was doing her history homework, and asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, "He was a poor boy from a poor family".

“Swearing at Work."
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 12 new and innovative, "TRY SAYING" phrases that have been provided, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a ****ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a ****ing power-crazy bitch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the **** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
**** off arse-wipe

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well **** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a ****.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my ****ing problem, mate.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the ****?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No ****ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the **** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his ****ing arse.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me?
Instead Of:
Oi, ****face.

Originally Posted by Eevo

“Swearing at Work."
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 12 new and innovative, "TRY SAYING" phrases that have been provided, so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a ****ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a ****ing power-crazy bitch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the **** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
**** off arse-wipe

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well **** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a ****.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my ****ing problem, mate.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the ****?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No ****ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the **** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his ****ing arse.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me?
Instead Of:
Oi, ****face.

I suspect we have all worked with ****ing idiots like that?

Originally Posted by V8Ian

It's not a misspelling Ron, it's the brogue.

It's the shoes?

Need to work on number 10 personally, when I find out others have held stuff up and it ends up becoming my problem late in the day - my language is never quite as polite as that.