Thread: Jokes

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Originally Posted by sashadidi

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Took my Tas poodle on a million paws walk in Geelong a few years ago.

He's big, was all black then, half mastiff half black lab, consistently 60kg, turns 14 this year.

The walk was around Eastern Beach which looks like top pic. He ****ed on every single tree, recharged at the 1 hour stop, then did the same for the next hour. Amazed me.

DL

Originally Posted by windsock

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill ?
A. A miracle.

Somewhere in the middle of Spain, a Lada is driving along and meets a donkey.
The donkey, never having seen a Lada before, asks:"What are you?"
The Lada: "I am a car. What are you?"
The donkey: "Hahahaha... I'm a horse..."

Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.
"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man
"Why not?" asks the car dealer.
"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing
"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"
"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"
"Trouble is" said the man, " I live at ninety five!"

A man goes into a car accessory shop and say's to the assistant "Can I have a hub cap for my Lada?"
The assistant thinks for a moment and reply's "Okay, it seems a fair swap"

Did you hear about the bloke who had his Lada broken into?
The thieves put a radio in!

Why is a lada like a woman?
Because when you put your foot down there is no response!

What do you call a Lada convertible?
A Skip.

Heard of Lada's new turbo model?
It has pedals in the backseat, too!

How do you make a Lada worth twice as much?
You fill up the gas tank.

A kid is walking down the road when a car pulls up beside him.

The window winds down and a middle aged man peers out and says "Come into the car and I'll take you for a drive."
The kid refuses and walks on.
The car follows him and pulls up again.
"C'mon" says the driver "Hop in and I'll give you a packet of Smarties".
Again the kid refuses and walks away.
The car follows him and pulls up beside him again.
The driver steps out and says,
"If you come for a drive I'll give you all the sweets you want".
The kid turns around and says
"Look Dad, you bought the bloody Lada, now you deal with it!"

Why is the Lada's rear window heated?
So the hands of the people pushing it will not freeze.

How do you make a Lada disappear?
You spray it with rust remover!

Now they have made a new Lada, with two exhaust pipes.
So you can use it as a wheelbarrow at weekends.

A Lada can reach a speed of 125 mph, if it's transported on the railway!

Did you know that the Lada's instruction book contains 500 pages?
There are two pages with information about the car and 498 pages with bus and train timetables.

Why do insurance companies enjoy Lada's?
They are never stolen.

Why is there light under the Lada's bonnet?
So you can fix it 24 hours a day.

There is a new 16 valve Lada.
It has 8 in the engine, and 8 in the radio.

My cousin was unemployed. Then he became a Lada salesman.
He is still unemployed, but now we understand why

Do you know what all the Lada owners are dreaming about?
Getting a ticket for speeding.

From a newspaper: To the man who stole my Lada in 20 degrees of frost.
Keep the Lada, but please tell me how you started it!

Did you know that there are only two men working in the Lada factory?
One with scissors and one with glue.

Do you know what the trip counter in the Lada says when it's passing 20,000 miles?
Game Over!

A bloke was driving up the M1 in his Lada.
Suddenly there is a pop and a bang and the Lada starts to lose speed quickly so he pulls off to the hard shoulder.
A few minutes later a Porsche pulls up in front of them and a bloke jumps out.
"Do you want a tow mate?" he says, "yes please" the Lada driver replies.
"Ok, but if I go too fast then you will have to put your indicator on or I will lose myself!!"
So the two men set off and after about ten minutes a Ferrari pulls up alongside the Porsche and they start to race, forgetting the poor Lada behind.
Finally they take an exit to a little village and zoom past a little pub with a man standing outside it with his pint in his hand.
This bloke runs inside to his friends and blurts out;
"You'll never guess what I have just seen!
I saw a Ferrari and Porsche racing at 250 mph and a Lada indicating to overtake!!!"

What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.

What do you call a Lada that starts first time?
A novelty.

What do you call a Lada that overtakes you?
A mirage.

What to you call a Lada with brakes?
Customised.

Guy #1: I was lucky yesterday, I won second prize in a lottery!
Guy #2: Lucky you! What did you win?
Guy #1: A Lada
Guy #2: Oh yeah, what was the first prize?
Guy #1: A basket of assorted fruits.

What do you call a Lada with twin exhausts?
A wheelbarrow.

Originally Posted by V8Ian

I'd dispute that, they were here before '65.
They also had an unusual windscreen wiper movement. The wipers pivoted from the lower windscreen edges (as Holdens did prior to EJ), with the left side overlapping the right, whilst parked. When turned on, the left side moved alone, until at the extremity of its arc. As it started to return, the right started its arc. They wiped unsymmetrically. The mechanism to achieve that start, cycle and park must have been the most complex part of the car.

At least they didn't have vacuum powered wipers, Ian. Remember those?