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Thread: Jokes

  1. #8481
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    Quote Originally Posted by p38arover View Post
    Happy marriage
    Cheap Porsche
    Because there are no cheap Land Rovers.
    If you don't like trucks, stop buying stuff.
    http://www.aulro.com/afvb/signaturepics/sigpic20865_1.gif

  2. #8482
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    Quote Originally Posted by V8Ian View Post
    When I heard they had found a cure for Dyslexia.........

    It was like music to my arse.
    Q. For what does DNA stand for

    A. National Dyslexic Association.
    Dave.

    I was asked " Is it ignorance or apathy?" I replied "I don't know and I don't care."


    1983 RR gone (wish I kept it)
    1996 TDI ES.
    2003 TD5 HSE
    1987 Isuzu County

  3. #8483
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    Old MacDonald was dyslexic, IOIOE.
    ​JayTee

    Nullus Anxietus

    Cancer is gender blind.

    2000 D2 TD5 Auto: Tins
    1994 D1 300TDi Manual: Dave
    1980 SIII Petrol Tray: Doris
    OKApotamus #74
    Nanocom, D2 TD5 only.

  4. #8484
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    LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
    1 Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found

    2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without


    3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never


    4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always


    5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended


    6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee


    7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no


    8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound


    9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be


    10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be


    11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be


    12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be


    13 executed as soon as possible.


    Addendum: Said employee was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
    Dave.

    I was asked " Is it ignorance or apathy?" I replied "I don't know and I don't care."


    1983 RR gone (wish I kept it)
    1996 TDI ES.
    2003 TD5 HSE
    1987 Isuzu County

  5. #8485
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    Quote Originally Posted by NavyDiver View Post
    Any more oxymorons?

    * Only choice
    * Civil war
    * Definite possibility
    * Grow smaller
    * Random order
    * Old news
    * True fiction
    * Virtual reality
    * Working vacation
    * Exact estimate
    * Original copies
    * Pretty ugly
    * Fully empty


    Lots more of course
    Sincere apologies to those affected...

    "Friendly fire."

  6. #8486
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    Q. Which cheese does one use to tempt a bear out of a cave?
    A. Come-on-bear.

    The most popular colour for garden gnome hats is red, which is a little gnome fact.

    I was asked at an interview how well I performed under pressure, I said I did a better version of "Bohemian Rhapsody".

    Q. Where do cats like to go on family outings?
    A. The mew-seum.

    Q. How does a mouse feel after a shower?
    A. Squeaky clean.

    Mum Jokes (candobooks.com.au)
    2005 D3 TDV6 Present
    1999 D2 TD5 Gone

  7. #8487
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    ​JayTee

    Nullus Anxietus

    Cancer is gender blind.

    2000 D2 TD5 Auto: Tins
    1994 D1 300TDi Manual: Dave
    1980 SIII Petrol Tray: Doris
    OKApotamus #74
    Nanocom, D2 TD5 only.

  8. #8488
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    Quote Originally Posted by RANDLOVER View Post
    Q. Which cheese does one use to tempt a bear out of a cave?
    A. Come-on-bear.

    The most popular colour for garden gnome hats is red, which is a little gnome fact.

    I was asked at an interview how well I performed under pressure, I said I did a better version of "Bohemian Rhapsody".

    Q. Where do cats like to go on family outings?
    A. The mew-seum.

    Q. How does a mouse feel after a shower?
    A. Squeaky clean.

    Mum Jokes (candobooks.com.au)

    I was asked at an interview how well I performed under pressure, I said I did a better version of "Bohemian Rhapsody".


    I'd be"The Flight of the Bumble Bee"

  9. #8489
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    Quote Originally Posted by 4bee View Post
    I'd be"The Flight of the Bumble Bee"
    Huh. I'd be "Another one bites the dust".
    ​JayTee

    Nullus Anxietus

    Cancer is gender blind.

    2000 D2 TD5 Auto: Tins
    1994 D1 300TDi Manual: Dave
    1980 SIII Petrol Tray: Doris
    OKApotamus #74
    Nanocom, D2 TD5 only.

  10. #8490
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    NavyDiver is offline Very Very Lucky! Gold Subscriber
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    The body part that increases 10 times its size?

    The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

    No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
    Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
    Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
    “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

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