Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by sashadidi

How they got the white smoke for the pipe election
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I thought it was this!

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Originally Posted by Saitch

I thought it was this!

White smoke.jpg

That could fit with the "pipe" bit.

A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better! I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that, doc?"

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting, but being a bit absent minded, he accidentally forgot to take his ammunition. As he neared a lake, he came across a very nice beaver frolicking at the water’s edge.

By now, he realized he had left his ammo at home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Nonetheless, he lifted his favorite hunting rifle, aimed down the sites, and yelled ‘bang bang.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver was slain. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The man scatched his chin thoughtfully, then said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor nodded,

“My thoughts exactly.”

Bubba the old Redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God’s country.

When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay.
But first, he must find a job:

Bubba walks into an international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector.

It’s his lucky day!

They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.

The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.
“See that tree over there, I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.”

Bubba the redneck promptly answers.

“That there’s white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in ‘er.”

The foreman is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road.

He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.

This time, it’s a bigger tree of a different class.

Bubba replies. “That’s a loblolly pine and she’s got about 456 clear board feet.”

The foreman is really impressed with the good ol’ boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.

This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says. “And what about that one?”

Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Bubba says.
“White oak, 242 board feet at best.”

The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is.


As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside.

He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him.
“See that tree over there?” “I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!”

The foreman thinks to himself.

“Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?”

When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground.

He then reaches up and places a big white ‘X’ on the trunk.

He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. “That there’s the front,” Bubba says.


The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically.

“How in the hell do you know that’s the front of the tree?”

The good ol’ boy looks down at his feet while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies.

“Cuz somebody took a s**t behind it.”

Needless to say, he got the job and started the very same day…

How do you tell the difference between a construction worker and a scientist?








Get them to pronounce 'Unionised'.

I was driving through a seedy part of town when I got a flat rear tyre, while I was jacking up the car I heard the bonnet open. I went round to the front of the car and found a guy peering into the engine bay, so I said "what are you doing?" and he said "If you are stealing the wheels I'm definitely stealing the battery".

That actually happened to my BiL. He was doing a rolling rebuild, turning a family HG into something more befitting an early twenties lad. It had spotlights, lowered suspension and wide, mag wheels.
When stolen, he immediately went to check a local, known dumping site. Finding it there, with only the wheels missing, he quickly recruited a mate to help replacing the original wheels and retrieve the car.
As they were working, another fellow turned up, and told them of a list that he wanted.

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