Thread: Jokes

When I was playing footy my nickname was ''Gastro'', I thought it was because I really scared the opposition players, turns out it was because I was terrible at both ends.

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
"Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.
"Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.
"They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?
"Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said, 'Don't forget your sweater.'"

Poor old Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £3 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £4 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £4. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £2."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £4."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £3."
Have a good weekend.


This made me recall the last 'cheap' flight I was on!!! It was CHEAP in every way despite taking a lot more money that it advertised for from me and NOT getting me to the place on time

I once got three wishes from a genie in a bottle, now I know you're thinking I must be a billionaire, but I was hungry, thirsty and sitting in a draught.

Bezos' net value is around 240 billion dollars. He's spent 50 million on his wedding. So that's about 1/4800 of his wealth.

The net median value of the average US citizen is around 300,000 dollars. If we extrapolate his expenditure based on the average citizen, he's spent the equivalent of 62.5 dollars on his wedding. What a cheapskate!!




Just for fun a before and after PIC of the Bride



A ship not made from steel may be called a Plastic Fantastic by some nasty sailors

Originally Posted by NavyDiver

This made me recall the last 'cheap' flight I was on!!! It was CHEAP in every way despite taking a lot more money that it advertised for from me and NOT getting me to the place on time

Let me guess. Named after a big, stripy cat?

Due to the recent service I've received from his crowd, I'm hoping she soon divorces him and gets the rest of the fortune he didn't spend on the wedding.

Originally Posted by RANDLOVER

Due to the recent service I've received from his crowd, I'm hoping she soon divorces him and gets the rest of the fortune he didn't spend on the wedding.

If I had 240 Billion and my wife left me and got half I think I would be ok on 120 Bill. That's 183 Bil in Au dollars.