Thread: Jokes

An Aussie walks into the bar the other night wearing one thong (flip flop). One patron asks him "What happened mate? Did you lose a thong?" the guy replies, "Nah mate, I found one!".

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the Wallabies rugby team?
A: Cinderella actually made it to the ball

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because we won't stop to ask for directions.

A guy goes to the doctor & asks for a three day supply of viagra. Why asks the doctor ? He replies, an ex-girlfriend is coming over Friday night. On Saturday night I'm catching up with her sister & on Sunday I've got this Tinder date. Well, said the doctor, seing as this is an unusual special occasion I will write the script, but you must come & see me on Monday just to ensure that there are no adverse side effects. He agrees & come Monday morning he is back at the doctors, but with his arm in a sling. What happened to you asks the doctor. The guy replies.........no one showed up

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."
Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Originally Posted by NavyDiver

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because we won't stop to ask for directions.

This should be "why does it take 100 million male sperm"

A BMW askes a VW beetle "Why are your eyes out of your body?

Beetle replies, "Let them put the engine in your ass and see what happens to your eyes".

Little Johny is out walking with his father one day when they come upon two dogs being intimate. Johny asks his father what they are doing. They're making puppies, he replies. A few days go by and one night Johny has a bad dream and rushes down to his parents bedroom as he is scared. He opens there door only to see his dad on top of his mum. What are you doing he asks. We're making babies says his father to which Johny replies........................................... ..............can you flip her over, I want a puppy