Thread: Jokes

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
know...they have frozen glasses...' He didn't get to finish the sentence,
because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she
was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes,tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your ****ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your mother****ing snacks, because you are married
now, and you aren't ****ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

......and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?




sorry about the swearing part

Medical researchers have determined that there is aan advantage in using chicken blood in human blood transfusions.

It makes the men cocky, and the women lay better.

How do you get a little old lady to mutter the 'F' word darkly under her breath ?












Get another little old lady to shout "BINGO" !

GOLF IN IRELAND

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump
on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the
little guy, reviving him.

' Arrgh, what happened?' the leprechaun said.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' said the golfer.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya
want?'

'Thank god you're all right!' the golfer answers with relief. ' I don't want
anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

'I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want
--- a great golf game,
--- all the money he ever needs,
--- and a fantastic sex life. '

A year goes by ( as it does in stories like this ) and the American golfer is
back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting fot him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here.'


The little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, hows your golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer
now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh I'm fine now, thankye. I did that for yer golf game , you know. And tell me,
hows yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash I just reach
into my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also. And tell me, hows yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes and turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good
job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around and whispers, 'once, maybe twice a
week.'

'What??' responds the leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a
week?'

'well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a catholic priest in a
small parish.'

And...........poking a bit of fun at us oldies.......


An elderly gentleman...
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don' t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

How to spot a redneck hunter who has lost his driving licence DUI.

A young Japanese couple get married. After the reception they go to bed, both are virgins, but the guy has to try and be cool and expeirienced.
The young stunning and nubile wife is laying with the blankets pulled over her head, the husband trying to calm her nerves say's. "Darling whatever you want,no matter how daring it sounds,just ask and I will do it, we must start our life together open and honest with no limits,pleasure is integral to a happy relationship".
The wife with trembling voice says"Darling my friends say 69 is velly nice, could you do that for me".
After a prolonged silence the husband says in a puzzelled tone "What , you want Chilly Chicken with Cashews?