Thread: Jokes

santa asked the little kid, what would you like for christmas. Little kid goes get a life. hmm

Originally Posted by victa125

santa asked the little kid, what would you like for christmas. Little kid goes get a life. hmm

Huh !

Here was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course, the Madam said no! He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"


Martyn

Thought for the day

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it.

P*ss on it and walk away.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call centre in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.She directs him down the correct aisle.A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this,yesterday, I sent my wife to the storeto get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobaccoand some rollingpapers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as
she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and
reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivees?', Ole demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping
money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket
and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself
some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set
her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is
wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no
knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money
you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says,
'For the sake of decency, here's
a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The
wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked
under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the
frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough
money ta be able ta affarrd
any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and
says, 'Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a
bit.'

��

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]�


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]�

�


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]�


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]�


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]�


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably�IS�the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]�


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]�


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]�


Local�High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead