Thread: Jokes

DeeJay
According to my antivirus program that link came equipped with a Trojan virus

Originally Posted by 51jay

DeeJay
According to my antivirus program that link came equipped with a Trojan virus

I just visited it again & my nortons says nothing.
It may have an imbedded trojan horse, does anyone visit sites without a suitable virus program??
Reply is also in your General Chat comment.
Cheers,

A oldfarmer got in his 4X4 and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.




"Is your Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."



"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?



"He went with Mum and Dad."



The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.



"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."



"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."



The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $100 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg!"

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree"..

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe.... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...


Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees


Eees a Ham Bush

When I first saw this, I was told it was from America. But I'm thinking a bit closer to home - maybe Queensland .......................

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give tmyself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

A tray full of muffins are in an oven being baked, one muffin turns to the other and says, "holy bannana, its hot in here", the other muffin, with a suprised look, say's "holy bannana, a talking muffin"

Originally Posted by BMKal

When I first saw this, I was told it was from America. But I'm thinking a bit closer to home - maybe Queensland .......................

<snip>
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. <snip>

Love it, you take in the gear you've pinched and get guns in exchange.



Cheers
Simon

Got this one by E-mail, thought is was disgusting, but the detailed description made me laugh!!

As I'm away and a Jaguar Drivers club run for three days, I won't hear the "adverse comments"

**************************

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.



After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:



A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.







"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you slam the lime juice."



So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.



He puts the salt on his tongue... Salty but OK.



He drinks the shot of Baileys...smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant.



He thinks...this is OKAAAAAY!



Finally he picks up the lime juice and slams it.



In one second the sharp lime taste hits.



At two seconds the Baileys curdles.



At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.



At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.



This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.



When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Holy ****, what do you call that drink?"



She smiles angelically at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."



**