Thread: Jokes

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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have
a lot of money between them, they could only raise the
staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints

of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have
a plan , Cheers! '


They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll

stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your

knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more

drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't

think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees

are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't

even remember which pub I lost the sausage

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
five minutes.





Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the sh*t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tide under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers.

Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, ' No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning' The exasperated policeman said, NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!

(your going to love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well , go ahead . I always wanted a police dog.[/FONT]

Don't mess with farm kids




A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother say's, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, ........

'You gonna tell him or should I?'

Town v Country - Aussie Army style
This text is from a letter written by a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland. Enjoy ...

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bl**dy quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bl**dy cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are bu**ered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bl**dy possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of p*ss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bl**dy good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila xx



From FREE MARKET FAIRY TALES - we'll worth bookmarking.

AARP Quiz

Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.;Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the spare room. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: "Gee, I remember these."

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'












Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……

Matthewwas fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Tracey to Hammer Hardware.

At Hammer Hardware, Tracey saw a beautiful bathroom tap while she was
waiting for James the manager to finish waiting on a customer.

When James was finished with the customer, Tracey asked 'How much for
that tap?'

Janmes replied, 'That's pewter and it's $300.'

'Heck, that sure is expensive!' Tracey exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Matthew had sent her to buy, and
Jameswent out the back to find it.

From the back room James yelled, 'Tracey, d'ya wanna screw for that hinge?'

Traceyreplied, 'No, but I will for the tap.'

................... And this is why you can't send a woman to Hammer Hardware.