Thread: Jokes

Scottish Logic

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve
and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way!'

For our kiwi friends....


YouTube - Beached Whale

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a f####g truck hit us.'

Originally Posted by BMKal

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, Good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard ! '
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a f####g truck hit us.'

Geez, thats as funny as Vlads on the previous page

Q; What's a beacon ?.
A: It's what you get when you get attacked by a flock of geese.
With apologies,
Anthony.

NZ's finest always on the job!


GOOD, BETTER, BEST

GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant; he worked it out with his pencil.