Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by DeeJay

The hunt is on to find who gave this to poor old Kermit

you cant link to photos in your email inbox!

3 dogs in the vet
Brown dog
black dog
white dog

white dog asks the other two what they're in for

Black dog says " I keep jumpin the fence so they reckon if they cut my nuts off I'll stop doin it"

Brown dog says "when I get excited I **** everywhere and they reckon if they cut mu nuts off I'll stop doin it"

They ask the white dog what he's in for

White dog says " well the missus came out of the shower this mornin and bent over in front of me, I couldn't help it I jumped up and humped her"

The other two say " wow you're losin your nuts for sure"

White dog says "nah I'm just here to get my nails clipped"


lmfao

cheers

NHS – 60 Years On…. (HOW TRUE - HOW TRUE )



A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation
follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was
admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her
condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was
wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's
conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her
temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she
should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you SOD ALL in here.



lmfao

cheers

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for awhile, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door .
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"The Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits.." says the man, "Where do you want the blinds?"

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the
'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''

i found this funny

[ame="http://s99.photobucket.com/albums/l295/hiline_01/?action=view&current=marriage_view.flv"][/ame]

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts
of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of
pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this?


It gets worse........
next year......



2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?