Thread: Jokes

A husband and wife are awoken at 3:00am one morning, by loud banging on the front door.

The husband gets up to see what the problem is, and finds a drunken stranger standing outside in the pouring rain.

"Heeeeyy buddy! Do you think you could give me a push?" the drunk asks.

"You've got to be kidding!" says the husband. "It's 3:00am, and it's pouring with rain............... bugger off." and slams the door.

As he gets back into bed, his wife asks who it was at the door. The husband replys that it was just some drunk stranger asking for a push.

"So, you helped him then?" she asks.

"No way, It's dark and wet out there, and I don't know that guy from a bar of soap. I just told him where to go."

"You should be ashamed of yourself" the wife scolded. "Don't you remember, just last week when we broke down. There were two complete strangers that helped us out......... I think you shoud go back out there and do the right thing."

So the husband gets dressed, and heads out into the rain......
"Hello!........ are you still out here?" he calls.

".....Yes." came the reply from the darkness.

"Do you still want a push?" he calls out again, now soaked to the skin.

"Oh!...........yes, please." the voice replied.

"Well, where are you? I can't see you." called the husband.


"................Over here.............on the swings"

Thats special

Two little kids are in a hospital...



Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other
outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I
was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of
Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.’

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was
born.


Couldn't walk for a year.

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend Dorothy.



After having great sex, she spent the next hour just

scratching his balls-- something she seemed to love to do.



As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do

you love doing that?'



'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
s.
'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'

Originally Posted by hiline

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , ....

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked,

Sounds like an urban myth to me!

Have you been there? The bloody wind howls through that area and it's as cold as.

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late onenight, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brassgong hanging on thewall.


'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.


'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.


'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'


'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'


'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.


'Just watch' he said.


He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.


Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,


'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

Swine Flu update


Swine Flu Update

G'day guys I thought I should tell you where this swine flu is up to at the moment.... So I did some research...

Firstly I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling

When I got through I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trots.


So, worried I have swine flu I went to the Doctor and the doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu.
I said "It must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"

Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu,so he says, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

The Doctor said that the only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1


Ironically however, Swine flu, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway.

News Flash ... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.;

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world".

Well it's a good thing I'm married then, isn't it?

This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, please don't believe all the spam you're getting.

Hopefully thats helped..
Digger
(in case you are wondering I am not a doctor)