Thread: Things I've learnt.....

Ive had a heavy couple of weeks, first I was called to a house fire where unfortunately a man named Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer, I was there as the mortician did his work.

According to Cooter and Gomer the three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician and I looked at each other and we both obviously thought this was rather strange.

So I brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

it was too much so I asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

We buried Stanley this week...
So I went to visit a mate of mine who is a Maori now living in Adelaide, proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to us couple of friends late at night , a drunk Maori led the way to his loungeroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' I asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?' I said, "Ive never seen one"

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' my other friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pr*ck. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

Apparently its always worked...
So then I got told that a blonde lady friend of ours got a job as a teacher and was sacked for harrassing a student on her first day....I rang her to see what happened...

She tells me she noticed a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.'she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says. '

'No really you can go and play with the other kids anytime you know.'she says.and she grabbed him and started dragging him towards he other kids...

'Yeah but I think it's best I stay here.' he says. struggling...

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because, I'm the goalie'So then two days later I see here sister, she was one of two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street,

Working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

I was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So I asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work,

But I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally

A three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'So I laughed so hard I died for a short time....... I went to heaven (dont look so surprised!) Whilst I was there a ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

he continued, "I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Then as someone revived me I found I was back in the street.....
Like I said, Its been a hard couple of weeks.....

join in...anyone...seriously it can't just be me that has weeks like this.......

Yesterday this happened...
'Cash, check or charge?' the assistant asked my wife, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, the assistant noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' he asked.
'No,' my wife replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
I learnt to avoid crossing her......


But I know I'm not going to understand women..
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

We drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of us wanted to concede their position..
As we passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
I asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
(I learnt to think these comments thru first!)

Later I read an article to my wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
My wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.....
I turned to her and asked, 'What?' (I learned that thinking thru sometimes pay off!!!)

My mate said to his wife one day,
'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'His wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

MMMM he'll never learn!

Anyway me and the wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
I said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
My wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
AHH HA, I replied, 'I can't believe that, Go on show me.'
So I fetched the Bible, and she opened the New Testament and showed me at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. 'HEBREWS'
MMMM I learned she will win if she wants to.....

so I decided to try the Silent Treatment,
we were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, I realized that the next day, he would need my wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning flight.. so I could go to the grand final
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), I wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
I left it where I knew she would find it.
The next morning, I woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and I had missed my flight!!! Furious, I was about to go and see why my wife hadn't wakened me, then I noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..'
I learned that men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

My wife always tells me that God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

MMMM have a nice day!!!!!!!

Things I've learnt .. Happy women don't kill their husbands

Originally Posted by omy130

Things I've learnt .. Happy women don't kill their husbands

sage advice my friend!!!


Ive been crook lately and I was lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over my mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give me a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' I mumbled, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replied, 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'

I struggled to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that I may elevate my vitals from worry about my testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises the gown, holds my penis in one hand and my testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

I pulled off my oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly,

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'
I recovered quicker than I thought I would!!! Have a good day!!

So how has your Christmas been?,
Mine has so far been interesting!

I took the kids to see Father Christmas and the large Christmas facts display they have there,
One of the kids couldn’t be restrained he wanted to see him no matter what,
One seemed unfazed, playing at being casual,
The other bolted! He was terrified of the big jolly fellow and it took all my energy to catch and hold him! We went to a Doctor, he said that there is a name for people who are afraid of Santa Claus. Its Claustrophobic.
I did learn some stuff though when we were there, like why Santa has 3 gardens.
(Its so he can ho-ho-ho.)
I read all about the whole North Pole setup…. I talked to the Doctor about what I’d seen and read, he said he used to work at the North Pole during the year!
He told me it took almost all year but he finally figured out why Santa's little helper was depressed? It was because he had low elf esteem.
He told me what snowmen eat for breakfast. (Snowflakes.) And he told me what you call a snowman in Australia at Christmas (A puddle).

The Doctor was obsessed by Christmas, I went to his house and when I got to the door I saw some people lined up before me, one by one they approached the door and yelled out,

“Knock, knock”, from inside I heard the doctors voice yell, “Who's there?” The man replied “Chris!”, and Doc called back, “Chris who?”, the man yelled “Christmas!!!!” and went inside!!! Then the woman walked up to the door,

She yelled “-Knock knock”, Doc yelled back, “Who's there?”, She yelled, “Mary!”
Doc yelled back, “Mary who?” and she yelled “Merry Christmas”

It was too much for me, so I started researching snowmen and all things Christmas, and I learnt some obscure facts, like how do you get Frostbite? Its what you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire! I learnt what's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on the bottom of the ocean at Christmas. (Its Sandy Claws.) I was surprised to hear that in Camelot all the archers where also the gift wrappers. This led to England having a famous gift wrapping archer… you may have heard of him, it was Ribbon hood.

I learnt that there was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
It is said that he stood looking out the windows of his palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russians, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
It was Christmas Eve when that happened, Yes it T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. (They'd been worn all week and needed the air.)

I learnt that according to the song, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", Santa has eleven reindeer? Sure, in the introduction it goes "There's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen..." That makes eight reindeer. Then there's Rudolph, of course, so that makes nine. Then there's Olive. You know, "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh..." That makes ten. The eleventh is Howe. You know, "Then Howe the reindeer loved him..." Eleven reindeer. The proof is in the song!

I learnt that after Christmas the reindeer all want to relax, I asked where do they go to dance? Christmas balls of course!

I can’t wait for the next week or so, goodness only knows what could happen.


Digger

Health & Safety Guidance on Festive Songs:

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear FFP2 dust masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAA routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Dust masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


hope this all helps!

MERRY CHRISTMAS
Digger

well I learnt to check things today... before I buy them...

I just bought a DVD of "Tiger woods, My favorite 18 holes"....

sat down and watched it... what a rip off!!!
Its all about golf!


IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN

Who's jolly and cute,

Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,

While flying around in a miniature sleigh,

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,

Then let's face it...

You're STONKERED- STOP DRINKING!



MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I have learnt this year that..........

A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.

And a friend like me??

Hell...that's just a sign of good taste!!


merry christmas!