Thread: Things I've learnt.....

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar I was drinking in and he says to the barman

"From now on you can only call me Hoff, David Hoff!"

The barman says "ok, no hassel."

There were two little old ladies were sitting on a bench outside the lounge area of that bar and inside the lounge bar I learned there was a flower show in progress.

Whilst I was listening, the thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring.We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,to my shock , completely naked, she streaked(as fast as an old lady can)through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' I asked her.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement! '

I learnt that no matter where you are, it can be interesting!

My wife has graced me with a little known fact...

The first testicular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

According to her it took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Things Ive learnt about the older we get.....
I was told these by some peple wiser than I who wanted tomake sure I knew all the advantages of getting older.

Perks of reaching
50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who first told you about this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


MOST IMPORTANTLY THOUGH.............
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night





CHEERS
DIGGER

(feel free to join in with anything you have learnt!)

Hey Digger, I have very vivid memories of times gone by and the local Sergeant at the local station laboriously bashing away on an old Remington typewriter, using just the one poised finger, striking each key from a great height and with ample force to penetrate the four sheets of carbon paper required for duplication, and regularly banging the carrier hard enough to force an admission of guilt out of it each time he had to start a new line. (-I believe all coppers in those days were taught to type using the "Hunt system", hit one key, then hunt for the next); and with this memory fixed indelibly in my brain, I try and visualise you typing out all these posts in this most amusing thread, and I often wonder where you find the time to do anything else! Or have times changed somewhat?
Regards
Glen

Originally Posted by zulu Delta 534

Hey Digger, I have very vivid memories of times gone by and the local Sergeant at the local station laboriously bashing away on an old Remington typewriter, using just the one poised finger, striking each key from a great height and with ample force to penetrate the four sheets of carbon paper required for duplication, and regularly banging the carrier hard enough to force an admission of guilt out of it each time he had to start a new line. (-I believe all coppers in those days were taught to type using the "Hunt system", hit one key, then hunt for the next); and with this memory fixed indelibly in my brain, I try and visualise you typing out all these posts in this most amusing thread, and I often wonder where you find the time to do anything else! Or have times changed somewhat?
Regards
Glen

I did my training on an Olympus 24 years ago but yes, "search and stab" is still my typing method! and I do maybe spend a bit too much time with the computer.. but the contract is very close on our "new" place so I hope to have less time to "play!" but mainly (and its a secret of course!!!) cut and paste is a great thing for this thread!!! ... at least 1/2 has come from "generous donations" of information!!

Its all good for a giggle though

cheers
digger

Its been a while since I added to this thread so let me catch you up..`
I’ve been very busy but at least the credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. (The car's been repossessed.) Things in this credit crunch are so bad that I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank.

I went to my local bank manager and said, 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'
As a company director I decided to award a prize of $50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $10!

As a Christmas surprise for the kids of town, Joe, Peter and I built a skating rink in the middle of a paddock. A farmer leading his stock decided to take a shortcut straight across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate to get them to the sale yards, the farmer began tugging them to the other side.
'Look at that, 'remarked Peter to Joe, 'That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!'

It’s been a very busy time for ambos here, Did you hear about our local optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
I think he must’ve overbalanced, he was a big guy…Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. (These, of course, are only round figures. )
Then we had the riverboat accident near “sandy island” in the river, I assume you heard about it?
There were two riverboats. One was painted red. One was painted blue. They collided. At last report, I heard the survivors were marooned.
Yep, I’ve been busy.

Have a good Christmas!
Digger

Did I ever tell you guys I'm related to the people that invented car airconditioning?? I only just learnt about it myself

My great uncles were The Goldberg Brothers - and they were the Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs out there (or just to dazzle you, my friends, about them)...The four Goldberg Brothers

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers who had all returned from Military service during the war, walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees (F), turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

Henry FORD by then an old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. (an amazing amount back then)

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now, turns out that old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4
million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show ¬ Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max
-- on the controls.


Lucky I was able to tell you this stuff huh?

Well its been a while but I have been making a list of important things I've learnt over time... I hope this helps someone...


1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the emergency services.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...... mmmmm
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" (the black eye is almost gone)
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, (everybody else does.)
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like boofing for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Use a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
40) It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
41) Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
42) A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'
43) Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
44) How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
45)Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!


AND LASTLY.....

46)If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?


Cheers
have a good day!