Thread: JOKES (Part 3)

HOW TO KILL A WEST VIRGINIAN EEL


Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age , rather curious. He had been hearing quite a lot about “courting” from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny ,she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. So he did. The following morning Johnny described everything to his mum.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lighting. Then he started hugging and kissing her. I figured she must be getting sick because she started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt, about this time she got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was really when the fever started. I knew it was fever because sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally I found out what had made them so sick, a big eel had gotten inside of him somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it she got really scared , her eyes got big and her mouth fell open. She started calling out to God and stuff like that, she said it was the biggest one she’d ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back.

Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but the went back courting anyhow. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead, it jumped straight back up again and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives or something like that.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 15 minutes of struggling they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.


Bushie

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. Pierre replies, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. Again Pierre replies, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie screams incredulously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"


Bushie

Aussie Love Poem

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's something there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms around there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave into gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm telling ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And get me another beer!


[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]


Bushie

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the Same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is Lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his Side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second, from New Zealand, says My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."


The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Australian got the job.

Existence of solutions
An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician all go to the same conference. University budgets being what they are, they all stay in the same cheap hotel. Each room has the same floor plan, has the same cheap TV, the same cheap bed, and a small bathroom. Instead of a sprinkler system, the hotel has opted for Fire Buckets. The Engineer, Physicist, and Mathematician are all asleep in bed.

At about 2AM, the Physicist wakes up because he smells smoke. He looks in the corner of the room and sees that the TV set is on fire! He dashes into the bathroom, fills the Fire Bucket to overflowing with water, and drenches the TV set. The fire goes out, and the Physicist goes back to sleep.

A little while later, the Engineer wakes because he smells smoke. He looks in the corner of his room and sees that the TV set is on fire. He grabs a handy envelope, estimates the BTU output of the fire, scribbles a quick calculation, then dashes into the bathroom and fills the Fire Bucket with just enough water to douse the flames. He puts the fire out and goes back to sleep.

In a little while, the Mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke. He looks in the corner of his room and sees the TV on fire. He looks into the bathroom and sees the Fire Bucket. Having determined that a solution exists, he goes back to sleep
Internet Terminology
Terminology for web surfers and beyond.

Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Object Value
In industrial design, a measure of consumers' immediate desire for an object, even before they know or understand what it does. "Gassee may be nuts, but at least the BeBox has great object value."
Chip Jewelry
A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that IBM PC, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfin the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found" meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.

Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Juice A Brick
To recharge the big, heavy NiCad batteries used in portable video cameras. "You better start juicing those bricks, we've got a long shoot tomorrow."
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Shopper-Lifting
When a store's electronic scanner (usually inadvertantly) prices an item higher than the price on the store's shelf or in an advertisement.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart
A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Batmobiling
Putting up an emotional shield just as a relationship enters that intimate, vulnerable stage. Refers to the retractable armor covering the Batmobile.
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
Midair Passenger Exchange
Grim air-traffic-controller speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are immediately followed by "aluminum rain."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Vomit Comet
A plane used to simulate zero-G for astronaut flight training. Trainees often get motion sickness inside.
Adminisphere
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"
Begathon
A TV or radio fund-raiser for a charity, religious organization, or PBS station that employs every known form of guilt, sweet talking, and outright begging to get people to fork over the dough.
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrpreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Nyetscape
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Beepilepsy
The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Client-Server Action
Geek euphamism for having sex. "I went to the Oracle party the other night hoping for some client-server action."
Salmon Day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.

Some Tips on Academic Staff Appraisal
Here are some helpful phrases for your appraisals of academic staff:

Productive researcher = Publishes students' work under own name
Prolific writer = Publishes identical article in different journals
Research oriented = Can't teach
Teaching oriented = Can't research
Loyal = Unemployable elsewhere
Conscientious = Appears on campus more than three times a week
Charismatic = Gives frequent TV interviews
Exceptionally well qualified = Has a degree from the same university as the Dean
Committed to the university = Appears at every cocktail party
Slightly below average = Hopeless
Listens well = Has no original ideas
Shows great promise = Is related to the Dean
Internationally recognised = Likes to go to conferences
Active socially = Drinks a lot
Career minded = Buys drinks for the Dean
Remarkably intelligent = Listens without yawning
Regular attendance = Can't find work as a consultant and/or unhappy home life
Visionary = Can't handle paperwork
Qualifies for salary increase = Still breathing
Popular with students = Finishes lectures early, or shouts students drinks at pub, or never fails anyone
Very popular with students = Does all three

aparrently true ....

A middle-aged woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special". Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts
screaming,"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!" The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!" And doing so draws and
even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says,"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I AM BEING SCREWED!! The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.

HaHa, yeah I like that one.

OK
A women was walking past her daughters room when she hears a buzzing sound coming from behind the door.
She opens the door to see her daughter going hammer and tongs with a vibrator. " Oh my god, What are you doing!" the mother screams.
To which the daughter replies, "Mum I'm 35 years old, and single, this is the closest I'm going to get to a husband. Now go away and leave me alone" The mother closes the door and walks away.
A few days later the girls father's walking past his daughters room and hears the strange buzzing coming from behind the closed door.
He opens the door and sees his daughter making mad passionate love to the vibrator, he yells "Geez girl, what the hell are you doing?"
To which the daughter replies, "Dad I'm 35 years old and still single, this is the closest thing I'm going to get to a husband. Now go away and leave me alone!"
The father walks out and closes the door.
Two days later the mother comes home with the groceries and hears the buzzing noiser coming from, of all places, the lounge room.
She walks into the lounge and sees her husband sitting on the couch staring at the TV with a beer in his hand, vibrator buzzing away on the couch next to him. "what are you doing?" She asks her husband. To which he replies
"Just watching the footy with my son in law"