Thread: Jokes

The jokes are a bit slow at the moment. I love a good joke and we have 19 days between the last two!

Originally Posted by d2dave

The jokes are a bit slow at the moment. I love a good joke and we have 19 days between the last two!

Here's a few one liners for you....

.. When fish are in school?? they sometimes take debate

.. A thief who stole a calendar?? got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles??. U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married?? They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage?.. she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping Centre??. you've seen a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone?? it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry??. it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

... Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Prisons these days are like holiday camps

Full of 1970's entertainers

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.


The woman said she would try her best.


God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.


"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."


"They don't like that in heaven", said God........



The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Woolworths either!"

Patient in mental hospital breaks into laundry facility rapes two workers and escapes .Newspaper headline reads . Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

I eventually found out why a fellow worker was called wombat. Eats roots shoots and leaves.

Originally Posted by Ancient Mariner

Patient in mental hospital breaks into laundry facility rapes two workers and escapes .Newspaper headline reads . Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

That was old when I was a kid o 'ancient' one.

A pilot lands in Brisbane, comes off duty and walks into a bar. He sits beside an extremely beautiful young woman, looks at her and then checks his nice new Apple watch.
The young woman notices and asks if his date is running late.
The pilot replies, ?No, it's just that my Apple watch is state of the art and I like to check how it's performing.?
?State of the art??? she asks, more than a little intrigued. ?Tell me, why is it so special, what's it able to do??
?Well,? says the pilot, ? it operates on alpha waves and talks to me telepathically.?
Slightly doubtful, the woman asks, ?What's it telling you now??
?That you're not wearing any panties??
The woman giggles. ?It's broken! I most certainly am wearing panties!?
The pilot looks again, taps the watch and says, ?Oh damn, I'm still on Eastern Daylight Time, it's an hour fast.?
NOW THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS CONFIDENCE?