Thread: Jokes

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you bloody idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?"


That's the last thing I remember...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit

jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the

rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal

lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is

the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car

and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says, ?Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the

two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves

again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again

and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..

(Are you ready for this?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!! !

Two constables call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here Sir. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the wet floor she had mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No Sir. The floor is still wet."

A real life story.
Driving my 15 yr old back from seeing Shawn the sheep movie, I asked why one of her other friends didn't come who we normally pick up. My daughter and her cousin ,who are in the same year, both said " she always says she has the brain of an 80 year old and can't enjoy kids movies" , instantly my 8 year old says" geeze her brain must be nearly dead"

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days.

This old
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Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day".

The goby German trucker said, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?"

After taking long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied.......... "A LANCASTER BOMBER!"

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged
and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her
because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a ?1m bank account."

He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a ?25m bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."

"Its important that we all remember the true meaning of Easter." said the Archbishop of Cadbury.

"Man with dry rot in wooden leg should be glad he is not man with tin leg in thunderstorm"