Thread: Jokes

Jerry Seinfeld/Quotes
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

At last, confirmation of ?Murphy's Law?


Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of the universe that
buttered toast always falls butter-down. So he rushes round to the presbytery to
fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. He won't say what it is, but asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy
"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir?.

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. "

"Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"

An Irishman walks into a bar
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits at the back of the
room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would
taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies: "Well, you see, I have two
brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one
for each me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a
regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in
turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude
on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no,
everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I
had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."

Memory test in the old folks' home.

The question asked is "What is 2 + 2?"

Bert answered "Tuesday"

Bill answered "39"

Eric answered "4".

"Well done Eric" said the tester - "how did you work it out?"

" I just subtracted Tuesday from 39"

* Memory was something you lost with age.
* An application was for employment.
* A program was a TV show.
* A cursor used profanity.
* A keyboard was a piano.
* A web was a spider's home.
* A virus was the flu.
* A CD was a bank account.
* A hard drive was an AULRO 4WD trip.
* A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
* And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy ........ you just hoped nobody found out.

Bill walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged man standing at the counter enthusiastically writing addresses on bright pink envelopes covered with hearts.
He then takes out a scent bottle and starts spraying perfume over them. Bill's curiosity gets the better of him and he walks over to the man and asks him what he's doing.
?I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, ?Guess who??? says the man.
?Why on earth are you doing that?? asks Bill.
?Because I'm a divorce lawyer.? replies the man.

Navy Biscuits

An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every
biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under
his command.
The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just
slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.?
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very un-hygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the doughnuts."

Man buns - it's how you can show the world you're a complete **** without opening your mouth.