Thread: Jokes

Snake for sale...


A beautiful blonde was selling her pet Python on eBay.

A curious prospective buyer called her and asked if it was big.

She said: "It's massive."

He said: "How many feet?"

She said: " None - it's a snake!"

Frank and Fiona were making passionate love in Frank's van when suddenly Fiona, who was a bit on the kinky side,and had just read "40 shades of grey", yells out,"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Frank, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even had sex with Frank, let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits, "Yes I did."

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims:
"I thought so because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

The Epstein Incident

. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for
Manhattan , where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed
his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he
bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he
inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and
reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just
enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and
raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit
her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under
cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here
and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience,
one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me
isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident
too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk then asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

Where do you find a man with only half his legs? On his knees.

Sent from my SM-G900I using AULRO mobile app

Irish Servo...
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
... The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again Paddy asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.. My wife won twice last week.'

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and
his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please."

A vet was asked to look at a dog with a fever.
"The best thing for a hot dog is mustard," he replied. Ka boom!