Thread: Jokes

Not wishing to be too pedantic; I doubt that Mr Cyclops would have access to a pen and would not have known of Hawaii.
Did Mrs Cyclops only have one lip?

I always give 100% at work, 5% on Mon, 12% on Tues, 38% on Wed, 35% on Thu, and 10% on Friday.

From Westprint Friday 5.

A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea how I can make use of your information. The fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all! If anything, you've only delayed my trip further." The woman below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault!!"

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

From Westprint Friday 5.

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!" The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed." Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'

I’ve accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles.

I’m dreading my next vowel movement.

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My neighbor knocked at my door at 3am this morning. Can you believe it??? 3am!!! 😧🤬


Luckily I was still up playing my drums