Thread: Jokes

My wife has been at me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make your food right in front of you.


So I took her to Subway.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I've lived there for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

A Telstra worker came up to me in the street today and asked me the time.


I told him between 8 and 2.

Just bought a new king size trampoline bed.
My wife's going to hit the roof.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the freeway. So I eased my rig over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my trailer facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a cop car pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My rig has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Those are my emergency flashers!”

I Phoned the local council today to ask if i could have a skip outside my house....... they said i could do cartwheels round the block for all they cared.

Anyone know any jokes about monorails?
I'm looking for a one liner.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,“Mrs Jones, do you know me?” Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster,too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice,said,
“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”