Thread: Jokes

Donald Trump announces to press conference, "I don't like to boast but I completed a jigsaw puzzle in seven days and it said two to five years on the packet".

Stolen from FullFatRR forum.

I suspect this may be a true story - my wife thinks it is.

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Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Range Rover

Sergeant:
What kind of Rangie was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Range Rover, Super Charged
Ambient Lighting pack - , Front and rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, drive select, parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - , Non smoking pack

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your fatty

Originally Posted by p38arover

I suspect this may be a true story - my wife thinks it is.

When we go to the local shops, she goes to Woolies and I go to check our PO box. When I get to Woolies, I walk up and down across the aisles, looking down each one but I can never remember what she was wearing so I have trouble finding her. So I ring her to find out in which aisle she is located.

Originally Posted by p38arover

When we go to the local shops, she goes to Woolies and I go to check our PO box. When I get to Woolies, I walk up and down across the aisles, looking down each one but I can never remember what she was wearing so I have trouble finding her. So I ring her to find out in which aisle she is located.

You are not Robinson Crusoe 😁

A staffer comes into the Oval Office and says to Donald Trump "A Brazilian has just died from COVID-19." Trump's face turns white (actually a paler shade of orange) and he says "Oh that's terrible.....How many million is a Brazilian again?"

Originally Posted by pop058

You are not Robinson Crusoe 😁

I

If he was he'd probably find her in the Dessert Aisle .. Desert Ilse . Get it?

Originally Posted by 4bee

I

If he was he'd probably find her in the Dessert Aisle .. Desert Ilse . Get it?

Nuh? Maybe because it's not Friday!

No? What is that saying about two planks & the length of same?

But then I thought my Joky thing was ****ing hilarious.