Jokes

**V8Ian** · 29th April 2020, 06:36 PM

Was talking to an old fisherman (Saitch) and asked him about the biggest one he ever caught. He said that he was fishing in a waterhole up near Walcha once and hooked a big perch. Now it was a deep hole and when he landed the fish, it was gravel rashed on the belly and sun burnt on the back.

I asked him what tackle he had used to land the bloody thing. "Well son, I had a telegraph pole for a rod, a snig chain for a trace, a wool hook on the end and the ham off a sand-fly for bait. When I got it to the bank, I had to borrow my mates semi to take it to town, but there was no room on the truck for my gear, so I had to go back out to collect it. On the way, I noticed the road was all corragated by the tail flapping up and down on the road. When we filleted it, they got 9 miles of white posts out of the ribcage.

I asked him what it weighed and his answer was, "Too big to weigh young fella, but we took a photo and the negative weighed 5 kilos."

**4bee** · 29th April 2020, 07:21 PM

Cripes! I suppose it may have already crossed your mind but do you think the olde Fisherman may have been ****ing in your ear, Son?

Sorry to break the magic spell.

There is no flamin' way a negative could ever weigh 5kg. Ever. I realise it depends on the camera an' all but it could never weigh any more than 3kg so I call Bull****..

You must be really naive.

**V8Ian** · 29th April 2020, 07:36 PM

My mate, Steve don't tell no fibs!

I don't fink.

**4bee** · 29th April 2020, 07:46 PM

Originally Posted by V8Ian

My mate, Steve don't tell no fibs!

I don't fink.

Wot's the betting his indoors has been told a few porkies though?

**superquag** · 29th April 2020, 09:18 PM

Originally Posted by V8Ian

About 30 years ago I was sitting with some blokes around a fire in the Kimberley when the 70 something cockie appears with his dog – a beautiful Weimaraner (pretty unusual in the bush). After getting himself comfortable and downing the first of many free beers we offered, he responded to a comment about how come he had such a classy dog.
“Well my daughter brought him back from Perth as a pup but left within the year to go to university so I sort of inherited him. I have had many dogs over the years but Rufus is by far the smartest. I often have blokes like you and inevitably there is a smart arse in the group. We had one last year.
“How can that show-pony be smarter than a Kelpie or Blue Healer?”
“Well, he is as good as another person at times and I always take him with me. I will give you an example.
I see you have a billy ready to go on the fire and stuff out for your breakfast so I will get Rufus to boil an egg for me”
The bloke of course said bullcrap.
“Rufus egg”
Rufus went across to where the eggs and bacon were sitting ready to cook, picked up an egg in his mouth and dropped it in the billy. Now I am sure he could have put the billy on the fire but I did not want him to burn himself so I positioned it on the edge with the handle on the outside so it would not get hot.
After a few minutes I said, “Rufus egg”
Rufus went over and with a careful pull on the handle pulled the billy over and the egg rolled out on the ground. Now Rufus is really smart so he waited for a minute or so before gently touching it with his foot. After a couple of tests he reckoned it was cool enough to pick up in his mouth, which he did and brought it over, gently placing it at my feet.
“So how smart is that?” I said to this bloke.
“All he did was tip the billy over. How are you going to eat it, you don’t have an egg-cup?”
“Rufus egg.”
With that Rufus leaned forward and stood vertical on his head.

They're letting me out next week....Seal laughing.jpg

**vnx205** · 29th April 2020, 09:29 PM

Originally Posted by 4bee

There is no flamin' way a negative could ever weigh 5kg. Ever. I realise it depends on the camera an' all but it could never weigh any more than 3kg so I call Bull****..

You must be really naive.

I believe the negative for this camera weighed more than that.

https://assets.atlasobscura.com/medi...d/lawrence.jpg

In 1900, Photographing an Entire Train Required the World’s Biggest Camera - Atlas Obscura

**4bee** · 30th April 2020, 07:49 AM

I should have qualified my statement by saying a Digital Camera, ok VN?

**speleomike** · 30th April 2020, 07:20 PM

Hi

Originally Posted by 4bee

I should have qualified my statement by saying a Digital Camera, ok VN?

Geez I never thought about that. I wonder where my negatives are from all the pics I have taken with my digital camera? They never did appear in my folder when I downloaded the positives. Maybe they stay in the camera?

Mike

**4bee** · 30th April 2020, 07:33 PM

Don't tell me, you threw away that little black plastic square do-dad that fell out? I bet it has happened.

**bob10** · 1st May 2020, 06:16 PM

After all the many stupid things I’ve done in my life…if I die because I touched my face, I am going to be seriously annoyed.

2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people

.The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years, our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers…

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighbourhood! Those are your neighbours without makeup and their natural hair colour!

Day 15 at home and the dog is looking at me like, ‘See? This is why I chew the furniture!

’Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

I never thought the comment ‘I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole’ would become a national policy, but here we are!

I swear my fridge just said, ‘what the hell do you want now?

’Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?

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