Thread: Jokes

Little Johnny and his mum are on their way to meet his new baby cousin Freddy. Mum says to Johnny "darling, baby Freddy looks a bit different to most people; he was born without ears. The doctors think he'll be able to hear, but he just has holes where the outside bits of his ears should be. Aunty Sally is very sad about it, so please Johnny, don't say anything about his ears"
"Ok mummy!" Says little Johnny. They get to aunty Sally's house, and after a while, Johnny has a turn of holding baby Freddy on his lap. He asks, "Aunty Sally, is Freddy's eyesight ok?"
"Yes Johnny, the nurse said he has perfect vision"
"Oh, good" replies Johnny
"Why's that sweetie?" asks Sally
"Because he's ****ed if he needs to wear glasses!"

Originally Posted by Eevo

Went for a job interview today as a rubbish truck driver.
I asked do I need any experience?
Interviewer said no you just pick it up as you go along.

I bet the boss had used that a million times before.

Rubbish Truck or Rubbish Driver?

My wife just found out that i replaced our bed with a trampoline.


She hit the roof.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with snooker.


To be honest, I think she just needs a break.

Pizza is round, It comes in a square box, you eat it in triangles.
27emnn.jpg

If you understand this you understand women

My urologist's office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test.* This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get at Laverty Diagnostics, because they're shutdown too.

Directions:
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.


If ant's gather: *DIABETES.

If you pee on your feet: *PROSTATE.

If it smells like a barbecue: *CHOLESTEROL.

If your wrist hurts when you shake it: *OSTEOARTHRITIS.

If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S.

Originally Posted by rick130

My urologist's office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the coronavirus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test.* This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get at Laverty Diagnostics, because they're shutdown too.

Directions:
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.


If ant's gather: *DIABETES.

If you pee on your feet: *PROSTATE.

If it smells like a barbecue: *CHOLESTEROL.

If your wrist hurts when you shake it: *OSTEOARTHRITIS.

If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S.

Bastard, you had me going there. I thought how in the hell did Rick do that? **** in the hand piece?