Thread: Jokes

Sent to me by a Jewish mate.



Six Jews are playing poker in the clubhouse of their retirement community in Florida. Abe loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Out of respect to Abe, they play the final hours of their game standing up.

At the end of the evening, Meyerowitz looks around and asks, “Nu? So who’s going to tell his wife?”

They cut the cards.

Pearlman draws the low card. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make the sad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet! The soul of discretion. Leave it to me.”

Pearlman goes over to the Abe’s condo and knocks on the door. Abe’s wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

“Abe lost $500 in a poker game and he’s afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!”

“OK, I’ll go tell him.”

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Originally Posted by sashadidi

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That is not as silly as it looks Sash..
When the old Uraidla Pub near here was being renovated, they apparently found that a Gutter incorporated into the Bar footrest was an old **** Drain. So they said??? It was also a bit of publicity before it opened so could have been bull**** or not.

Story was, so the old blokes wouldn't miss out during the "6 O'clock Swill", they used the drain while still standing at the bar.

Supposedly a true story according to some bloke who could remember back then although my theory was it's use as a foot rest turned into a **** Drain. The footrest also doubled as a Butt Ash tray so is a bit vague.


But who can say what the truth was/is? Apparently they were a bit rough & tumble sort of blokes mainly Timber getters, Market Garden Workers & Growers etc etc etc.

EDIT. But still close to the point. The Urinals in the men's dunny comprise of cut out Stainless beer Kegs fixed to the wall.

I hope they de-burred the edges.


Some one had a sense of humour.


Hhmmmm, maybe the "drain" terminated where 3 massive trees are now standing?

Originally Posted by sashadidi

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Possibly evidence for Terry Pratchett's contention that you don'y buy beer, you merely rent it for a while....

How they really cleared the canal.

We all know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world
but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
In General:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the
funeral.
Eating Out:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise
the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
Entertaining at Home:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
3. Never, ever fill your kettle with the used water from your bath tub.
Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN
ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if
you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear
you.
Weddings:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football
jumper can create a tacky appearance.
3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in
your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the
right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring
back beer too.