Thread: Jokes

Putin arrives for a state visit to the Ukraine. The border guard asks him:


"Name?"
"Vladimir Putin"


"Occupation?"
"No, I am just visiting."

US and Soviet spy meet in Sauna in Berlin.
US spy brags with his newest gadget: "This is a wrist satellite telephone. I could phone to the White House right now if I had to."


The Soviet spy nods in amazement. Then he stands up and rips a horrible fart. Before he leaves the sauna he says: "It's Moscow, I am getting a Fax."

A worker goes to Stalin and says "Comrade Stalin, there's so many potatoes they'd reach all the way to God!".
Stalin replies "But God doesn't exist."
The worker replies "Yes. Neither do the potatoes."

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly. They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can’t sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:
“Comrades, you shouldn’t joke like that here. Every room is bugged, you know...”
“Nonsense! Who would listen to us?”
“Well, let me show you”
The man walks up to a socket and says into it:
“Comrade major, can I have a cup of tea please?”
Sure enough, the staff member soon enters with a cup of tea.
“See, told you.”
The three men are pale and quiet for the entire night, so the tired man finally gets some good sleep.
He wakes up the next morning alone. He walks downstairs and asks the receptionist about the fate of the three men.
“At 3 in the morning the KGB came and arrested them. Comrade major also said that he liked your little trick, but warned you to be careful next time.”

The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.
Each is given the task to find a rabbit released in the woods.


The CIA uses spy planes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.
The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.


The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".

4 of the Soviet Unions greatest leaders are travelling together thru the Russian countryside when suddenly the train comes to a halt.
Stalin speaks first "this is the fault of the driver
We should execute him"
No replies Khrushchev "I also blame the driver we must rehabilitate him"
No replies Brezhnev "we should close the curtains, put on a record and pretend the train is still moving"
Finally Gorbachev has his say "you are all wrong i think we should get out and push"

An old man sits studying on a bench near the Kremlin. A KGB agent walking by looks at him suspiciously, but passes without comment. But an hour and passing two more times passing later, the agent asks: "Why are you sitting here for so long, what are you doing?" Old man: "I am an old man and don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven, and as you know, people speak Hebrew in heaven. So I am studying Hebrew to come well prepared". "Ha", answers the agent sarcastically: "And what if you go to hell?". Old man: "Well, I am already fluent in Russian".

Two soviet women are waiting in a bread line. After 2 hours standing in the cold the one woman says to the other, "Can you believe we have to wait over 2 hours in line to get bread?" "You shouldn't complain" Said the other woman, "I hear in America they don't even have bread lines."