Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by Larry

Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story.

Or a good story get in the way of the truth

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

Surely the Canary Islands are in the Atlantic?????

Normally yes, but with this Global Warming & rising sea Level crap, maybe they came unstuck & decided to swing by South America & Cape Horn. That'd be nice for a change.. Obviously, the Panama Canal was out of the question.


With a decent following wind &/or Ocean Currents they could have joined up with Antarctica & just imagine all those Travel Brochures that would not have to be junked.

"Come to sunny & warm Antarctica for your vacations, Side Trips to the South Pole & Landscape viewing from Mount Erebus included," although thinking about it, that may not bee as silly as it sounds. But it probably is.


Palm Trees in the Antarctic??? Who knows? I guess there may have been once upon a time?



TiC.

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The instructor conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The three blondes all nodded.
The instructor got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So saying that, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course, he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a side profile of the man's face! you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well ...
Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with
the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new
Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing
it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare
hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink
a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but
silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?”

Here's a couple I heard on Grand Designs NZ last week.

There are three types of people in this world, those that can do maths and those that can't.

Don't worry if you can't spell Armageddon, it's not like it is the end of the world.

The crew of a British Airways A380 Flt 268 made a wrong turn during taxi for departure at Heathrow, and came nose to nose with another aircraft. The furious ground controller (a female) started yelling: "Speedbird 268" where are you going? I instructed you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there"
Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: " It'll take forever to sort this out due to your screw up. Hold your position and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I expect you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?"
The frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence... "Wasn't I married to you once?

...Count.jpg

From the internet
Word of the day is 'snollygoster' (19th century): an unprincipled person in office who is motivated by personal rather than public gain