Thread: Jokes

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem..


I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'


The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

While in China, a man is rather promiscuous and does not use a condom all
the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the Melbourne, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad
news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no
known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man recoils in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only choice.’
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongorrian
VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid Australian docttah, arways want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!' ‘Oh, Thank God!' the man replies









'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

So why did the English wear red coats in battle???
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their HQ, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

Originally Posted by p38arover

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

... "yeah, yeah. "

This caters to a normal person with no knowledge of windows!!!

An Indian goes to a Jew to buy black bras size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as businessman,

says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it

very difficult to buy them from his suppliers.

Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Indian buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Indian returns a month later and buys the Jew’s remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Indian, please tell me:

What do you with all these black bras?

The Indian answers: ‘I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $100.00 each.

During a recent Australian floods a man and his wife were perched on top of their
House. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old
Hat floating in their neighbour’s yard.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went
Downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back
Against the current.

They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat?" said the wife in amazement. "First it goes
Downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream
And then it comes back again."

"Yeh that’s Doug," replied her husband. "On Friday I heard Sheila tell him
that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn this weekend."

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.




Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’?? The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’?? The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.

I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.



I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I’??

The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya flash b*st*rd. You’re in that feckin basket’.


I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”??
The answer I should have given was “ Fiji ”