Thread: Jokes

With thanks to John Clarke and Bryan Dawe...

The Customer
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]

John: Morning! Looking for a new car?

Bryan: Nope. Prime Minister, actually.

John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?

Bryan: You know....... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.

John: You mean like a Howard?

Bryan: Yeah....a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.

John: So.... you used to have one?

Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model – don’t know why I got rid of him --biggest mistake I’ve ever made…

John: What happened?

Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.

John: Big mistake…

Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.

John: How was the Kevin 07?

Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate – that was good.

John: Anything else?

Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.

John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?

Bryan: Nah – had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.

John: What was the problem?

Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.

John: Whatcha got now?

Bryan: It’s a Gillard-Brown.

John: The hybrid?

Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system – not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse…

John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason – that’s the one?

Bryan: The Fustercluck model.

John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery – but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?

Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.

John: So that’s why you’re here?

Bryan: That’s right. I’m stuck with a government that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?

John: Join the queue brother.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin .

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.

Whats the difference between a Scottish Farmer and the Rolling Stones?
Rolling Stones says "Hey you, get off of my cloud"
Scottish Farmer says"Hey Mcloud, get off of my ewe"

Last Tuesday, as Prime Minister Julia GILLARD got off the Helicopter in front of Parliament House, she was carrying a baby piglet under each arm..

The squared away Federal Police guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Ma'am."
The Prime Minister replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Melbourne Razorback Hogs.
I got one for Deputy Prime Minister Wayne SWAN and I got one for Minister for School Education, Early Childhood and Youth, Peter Garrett."

The squared away Federal Policeman again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, Ma'am."

(shamelessly altered from referring to another country)

President Obama received an email purporting to be from Osama bin Laden.

So he calls in Secretary of State , Hillary Clinton, "Hey I thought you told me he was with the fishes". "Damn!" says Hillary " Whats the message say?"

Barack looks at the print out and says " I'm not sure, look" and he hands her the message.

Printed on the page is this message '370H55V 0773H'.

"Huh!" says Hillary "its gotta be in some sort of code, I will get it over to the National Security boys straight away, they will be able to decipher it"

The next day Hillary comes into the Oval Office and tells the President " Sorry Barack but no luck, the National Security boys can't do it so we ran it past the FBI but no luck, even the CIA Black Ops boys are baffled by it.

We tried Naval and Army Intelligence, now theres an oxymoron for you, but they all bummed out so I swallowed a bit of National pride and sent it to the Brits, but MI5 came back with nothing so next I authorised it to be sent to the Direction du renseignement militaire in France, but nothing.... even Mossad have come up with zilch so as a last resort I tried our friends in the Glavnoye Razvedyvatel'noye Upravleniye"
"Who?" asks Obama
"You know... the GRU, the Ruskies, their Military Intelligence spooks" replies Hillary.

"Well what did they say?" Obama enquires.

"Sorry Boss, no luck there, they haven't got a clue either" Hillary admits.

"Well we have to know what this message says and whether it really is from that raghead bin Laden.....who else is there" Obama askes in desperation.

" No one Boss thats it.... Oh hang on .. we could try that Aussie mob. I think they are called Aseyoh"

"No thats A.S.I.O" says Obama " been meaning to call on them when I finally get around to visiting our closest allies, maybe in my next term of office, Yeah give them a try can't hurt"

So Hillary walk over to the fax machine, looks up the number for ASIO and faxes the page off with a hand written note. No sooner is the message sent then the machine prints out a one line reply.

"Whats it say?" demands Obama "They bum out too, that was just too quick"

"No" says Hillary "The Aussie have solved it"

"What !" yells Obama "Give that here"

So Hillary hands the page over and the President reads......





" Tell the President that he has the message upside down"

Originally Posted by digger

It appears they have a cell that they activated that are dislectic..........

Originally Posted by Digger (in a fit of bad spelling!)

Originally Posted by digger
It appears they have a cell that they activated that are dislectic..........

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

MMM... sorry I meant Dyslectic....... I would hate to have lysdexlia, I read all about it and I thank Dog every day I didnt get it!

SCIENCE ANNOUNCEMENT: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted serious criminals are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score average or below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jam, vegemite, and even (in the taste challenged) peanut paste.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 300 degrees! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

10. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.