Thread: Jokes

that was Port Hedland december 1980 damned hot just didn't cover it

One for the World Cup.

My best rugby moment

Sitting in a bar in Olongopo City, Philipines, having a quite beer alone when in walked the most stunning woman I'd ever seen- Jet black hair, slinky, looked like a Spanish Princess, dressed in a tiny mini skirt, flimsy cotton top, no bra. I took a deep breath, emptied my glass, ordered another.Next thing she was pulling up a stool beside me.
She said 'hi', I mumbled something in return, she grabbed my hand and placed it on her inner thigh.'so, does that make you feel good'? she asked. I'll bet you feel good', she continued, 'in fact I bet you've never felt this good before'
' Well, I have', I corrected her.'you see, when I was 18, I was selected for the Navy apprentices interservice team, played in the final, I felt really good.'
Well ,I felt pretty pathetic saying that, and thought she would get up and go, but she took my hand off her thigh, and put it in the front of her top, and said 'how about now, I bet you feel ok now, matter of fact ,I bet you have never felt this good before'.
Unbelievably, I heard myself saying 'well, actually, I have. In that game, we were down by 6 points, 20 seconds left,our scrum on halfway, went the blindside, stepped around their fullback scored under the posts, 2 0r 3 seconds till fulltime, with me to take a simple kick at goal to win the game, and....' 'Ahhhhh!' she cried in anger, grabbed my hand , and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
She whispered " well tell me this, mr rugby man, have you ever felt such a perfect c...' I certainly have', I answered, 'I MISSED THE KICK'

Stolen from another forum:


Where's the Little girl?

Watchersweb FunnyFarm Where's The Little Girl

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say,

"Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,

then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said,

"I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .

that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded,

"this may very well be the solution."

The next day,

she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.



As he ushered her in,

she saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.


Impressed,

she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?"


There was stunned silence.

Shocked,

one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!"

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, BUT THE BULB MUST WANT TO CHANGE!

What do you call a fly without wings?-- A walk!

YOU GUYS STARTED IT...........


Two muffins baking in an oven.
First muffin: Holy crap it's hot in here!
Second muffin: HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!


Did you hear about the little old lady who walked into the real estate office, with a 50 dollar note in her left ear, and a 100 dollar note in her right ear?

Her rent was in arrears.


How did Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looked through catalogues in the plastic surgeon's office.

Q: How many Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't, he declares darkness the industry standard.

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the
experience.

Q: How many Cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

Q: How many Real Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark

What do you give a skeleton who walks into a bar and orders a drink?

.
.
.
.
.

A mop.


Q: What's ET short for?
A: He's only got little legs.

I've had a bad week.

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

I woke up with a cucumber in my ear, a carrot in my nose, and a tomato in my eye walks into the doctor's office. I says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "First of all, you're not eating right...."

So the Dr starts testing me, he says "How many ears did star trek's mr spock have?"

I answered 3 but he says I was wrong

I am sure I was right,
lets see Spock had..


a left ear..




a right ear..

and..


a final frontier! (thats three!)




Walking there I'd just been caught in a tidal wave of tonic water.
Seriously, I nearly got schwepped away!

I told the Dr that I was worried the water could be full of diseases... and the Dr just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills right at my head!! It hit me above my right eye!!.

Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries!!

I went out of the Dr's into his waiting room and there I saw a man with custard in one ear and cake in the other. Apparently, He was a trifle deaf!

I asked him, what do you do for a living?
He said, For the past four years I specialised in making one venetian blind.

How do you make a Venetian blind? I asked

Well he said, I stick a finger in his eye.


Have a great day guys!
Digger