Thread: Jokes

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.



Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.

I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No.... I'm a rabbit in Mildura.”

A blonde took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow....
"Ooh!" Said the presenter, "this is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks." She replied

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter
met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is
suffering from an overload of Godly souls and we have been forced to put up
an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the Blonde. 'The
first,' said St Peter, 'is which two days of the week start with the letter
'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is
'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St
Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I
shall expect you to have those answers for me.' So the Blonde went away and
gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the
same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said
St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The Blonde
said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time,
and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well
then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions,' St
Peter went on. 'How many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did
you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds.' St Peter looked at the Blonde and said 'I need some time to
consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away
shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.
'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final
question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing
Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.' 'Andy?' 'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde. This totally floored St
Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he
could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked
'How in Heaven's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the
Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited ‘til his billy boiled.'

So the Blonde entered Heaven.

"Jesus loves you" A nice gesture in Church.
A horrific thing to hear in a mexican prison.

Got a phone call from a mate the other day.
He tells me he went out on bender last Saturday.
He got kicked out of 2 pubs and was told to leave the 3rd at stumps.
Not overly impressed he stumbled towards home at 5am.

This is not unusal for this bloke but then he said...
"You wouldn't believe it, the neghbour decided to mow the lawn at 10am."
I asked if this was the arthritic pensioner next door to confirm.
"Ye, him,
I was going to get up and help but I thought stuff it, he can mow around me"

ACCORDING TO A NEWS REPORT, A CERTAIN PRIVATE CATHOLIC SCHOOL IN BRISBANE WAS RECENTLY FACED WITH A UNIQUE PROBLEM. A NUMBER OF 12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS WERE BEGINNING TO USE LIPSTICK AND WOULD PUT IT ON IN THE BATHROOM. THAT WAS FINE PROVIDED IT WAS OF A NATURAL OR NEUTRAL SKIN TONE -- BUT AFTER THEY PUT ON THEIR LIPSTICK THEY WOULD PRESS THEIR LIPS TO THE MIRROR LEAVING DOZENS OF LITTLE LIP PRINTS.
EVERY NIGHT THE MAINTENANCE MAN WOULD REMOVE THEM AND THE NEXT DAY THE GIRLS WOULD PUT THEM BACK.

FINALLY THE PRINCIPAL, SISTER PASCHAL, DECIDED THAT SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE. SHE CALLED ALL THE GIRLS TO THE BATHROOM AND MET THEM THERE WITH THE MAINTENANCE MAN.
SHE EXPLAINED THAT ALL THESE LIP PRINTS WERE CAUSING A MAJOR PROBLEM FOR THE CUSTODIAN WHO HAD TO CLEAN THE MIRRORS EVERY NIGHT (YOU CAN JUST IMAGINE THE YAWNS FROM THE LITTLE PRINCESSES). TO DEMONSTRATE HOW DIFFICULT IT HAD BEEN TO CLEAN THE MIRRORS, SISTER PASCHAL ASKED THE MAINTENANCE MAN TO SHOW THE GIRLS HOW MUCH EFFORT WAS REQUIRED.
HE TOOK OUT A LONG-HANDLED SQUEEGEE, DIPPED IT IN THE TOILET, AND CLEANED THE MIRROR WITH IT. SINCE THEN, THERE HAVE BEEN NO LIP PRINTS ON THE MIRROR.


THERE ARE TEACHERS... AND THEN THERE ARE EDUCATORS.

*1. What is Celibacy?*

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the
instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite
flower?"

Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Self Raising
isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy...