Thread: Jokes

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. A White man, an Indian man, a Black man and a Coloured man.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked:

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The White man on his right replied, " A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of" "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the Indian man. "Hmm .... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye .that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the Black man who was contemplating his reply." Well, on my dad's farm you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the field the light in the barn comes on in less than a second.TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light ," h e said .

Turning to the Coloured man the interviewer posed the same question. He replied "It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.""WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "I can explain , " said the man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom , b ut before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already k*kk*d in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB................

Lovemaking Tips For Senior Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7.. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbours are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face..

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by thedoctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

Two Priests on Vacation







They were determined to make this a real vacation
By not wearing anything that would identify them
As clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
For a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
Shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.



The next morning they went to the beach
Dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
The scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking
Straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.



As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
Nodding and addressing each of them individually,
Then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.



Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy
The sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'


She replied,


'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen..

from the new dukes of hazzard movie
Uncle Jesse: What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Luke Duke: What?
Uncle Jesse: A playboy.

Uncle Jesse: Why are divorces so expensive?
Luke Duke: Why?
Uncle Jesse: 'Cause they're *worth* it!

Uncle Jesse: Here's another one; drunk walks out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying an antique grandfather clock. The guy drops the clock, breaking into a million pieces. He looks at the drunk and says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else?"

A milestone post for me, my 2000th.


Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need.. A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit - it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

A wife says to her husband, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"

He says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," she replies, "I won $12 , here's $6 - now **** off!"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
"This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history.
"Here's your equipment chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

A sequel to the lion tamer joke...

A circus ringmaster advertises for a lion tamer and only gets one applicant. The new tamer asks " how do I tame a lion?" The ringmaster says, its easy, here is a whip and a chair, you get into the cage, approach the lion & crack the whip and shake the chair at it. What if the lion comes at me? No problem says the ringmaster take a step back & repeat the process, What if he keeps coming at me & I'm against the bars?
Well, says the ringmaster, slowly reach behind you, pick up some ****, fling it in his eyes & make a dash for the door. What if there's no ****?. Don't worry, there'll be **** there ...