Thread: Jokes

I was at the airport coming through Overseas Arrivals when the Customs bloke asked,
''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

-To which I replied,
"If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded.

"That's why we ask."




Only in Melbourne...

Originally Posted by superquag

This seems funny when it happens to someone else, but not so much when we're the victim...

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?


Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that damn door!

Any research about revolving doors?

... Chucars, I don't even dare thinking about it .....

I wouldn't say it's easy living with erectile dysfunction.

But it's not hard.

Good judgement comes from bad experience .... and most of that comes from bad judgement.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Two old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to L/Cpls.
Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."
"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.
"We’re L/Cpls now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we're privates," says Paddy.
"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're L/Cpls now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a one of the Army lass’s comes up to Mick.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.
Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?"
"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." Pointing to his stripe, he says, "and we're Lance Cpls now!"

Mother Superior rose to her feet as the nuns gathered in the refectory for their evening meal.
"Before we begin " she said "I have something to tell you. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God!" cried an elderly nun at the back "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

I am over 60 and the Army thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join up. They've got the whole thing arse -backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old buggers. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are normally bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some arsehole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push-ups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million ****ed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!