Thread: Jokes

If the population of the world linked hands around the equator a significant proportion of them would drown.

After 30 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she went: Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

Originally Posted by sashadidi

The electricity company told me my bill was outstanding, I told them thank you.

I witnessed a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Irony: Pro-Lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic.


I have a friend named Jay. I call him J for short.

I've taken up cycling recently but my friends say it makes me look gay. So, to appear more macho, I've painted racing stripes on my basket.

Potatoes wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard can provide a welcoming consolation if your house ever burns down.

Me: "I fancy a takeaway." Mate: "Are you talking Chinese?" Me: "No. Do I sound Chinese?"
__________________

Mate thanks that's the best laugh the missus and I have had for ages! !!!!

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USER: “1 boiled cabbage”


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USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”


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USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”


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USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon't GiveMeAccessNow!”


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USER: “Really****edOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYo urAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”


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This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...


New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too

old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than

42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing

ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought

to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a

military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex

every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple

of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional

seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and

a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts!

I can't sleep! I'm tired and hungry!'


We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole

that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and

shut us up for awhile..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am.

Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.


Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since

I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical

son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd

forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial

number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to

getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.


We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been

using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house,

away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however...

I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall

with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any

pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too...

I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still

learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.

He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to

shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to

learn a little more about life before sending them off into

harms way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward

terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is

a couple million ****ed off old farts with attitudes and

automatic weapons, who know that their best years are

already behind them.

HEY!!

How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!


You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on

border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends...

it's in big type so they can read it!

Two old ladies meet in Heaven...
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death....
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick

CURTAIN RODS



On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.



Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?