Thread: Jokes

In NSW....

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the Sydney dealership .


Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car ..






“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.






Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.


He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to

await the copper’s arrival.






Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car.


He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.


If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”






The old gentleman paused then said, “Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman; I thought you were bringing her

back.”






“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.

In Queensland

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast wasconfusedabout paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.


He called her into his office and said,


“You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”


The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

In Tassie

A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, “When the endof the world comes, I hope to be here.”


When asked why, he replied,


“I’d rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

In The Territory....

The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, “Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking


lot!”
Johnno replied, “Did ya see who it was?”


The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

And, In the West

A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked,“Got any ID?”


The driver replied, “about what?”

Finally, In South Oz

The copper pulled up next to the guy unloadinggarbage out of his ute into the ditch.


The copper asked,


“Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”


“Yep,” he replied.


“That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

So, I took the shell off my racing snail to see if it would go faster.
No good. If anything it made it more sluggish...

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?


One.

They're efficient and not very funny.

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the dark!" says Murphy.

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To heck with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

The seven dwarves always left home very early each morning to go to work in the mine.

As always, Snow McWhite stayed at home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunches and take them to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with their lunches, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow McWhite began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarves had somehow survived.
'Hello. Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!’

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow McWhite again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
“VOTE YES FOR ALEC SALMOND AND INDEPENDENCE FOR SCOTLAND”.
Snow McWhite fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive!"

Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until Pat makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at the urinal.
Curiosity, and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Pat: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example....Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Err... Mmm. Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Pat: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Pat: - Well then, you're a ******.

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!!!! and they REPRODUCE