Thread: Jokes

In our relationship I always have the last word.

"Yes dear"

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them both to pronounce "unionised".

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Mujibar

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green , And I pink it up, and say, Yellow , this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

Originally Posted by Avion8

If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

YES !

I went to look at a property which was owned by a native American man. I asked "Does this house come with running water?"
"No" he said. "Get your own wife".

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of CVs she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?
'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.
''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich? for speed.
'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man.
'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.
''WHAT !' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, It was already too late.'
Wally is now working at the Lidl Store near you!

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Donald Trump fans.

Not really knowing what a Donald Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for smart Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Donald Trump fan.?

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Donald Trump?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."

The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat.

Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Donald Trump fan!