Jokes

**bob10** · 9th July 2018, 08:55 AM

For Those Who Love Little Johnny

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast. To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G' 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T? 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: ' I had Bugger All', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'. The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question: Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani Border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mum. That's why I got Bugger All for Breakfast."

**Homestar** · 9th July 2018, 08:18 PM

Oh, we doing little Johnny jokes? Great!

Little Johnny attends School for the first time in a week. Teacher asks him where he's been.

'Me Dad got burnt' says Johnny.

'Well' says teacher 'taking a week off from school just because your Dad burnt himself is a little excessive don't you think?'

'But Miss, he got burnt real bad' says Johnny.

'But a whole week? Really, how badly was he burnt?' scoffs the Teacher.

'Real bad Miss, you know they don't **** around at the Crematorium'...

**gromit** · 10th July 2018, 06:27 PM

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

**350RRC** · 10th July 2018, 07:54 PM

Bathtime at little Johnny's place. Mother has his younger sister already in as Johnny is about to get in too.

Little sister says 'What's that thing Johnny's got?'

Mothers says "That's Johnny's what not'.

Little sister asks 'Will I get one when I get older?'

Mother says 'If you're a good girl you'll get one, if you're a bad girl you'll get lots'.

DL

**Disco-tastic** · 10th July 2018, 10:16 PM

A wise man once told me:
"If you have a son you only have to worry about one dick,

If you have a daughter you have to worry about all of them"

**Homestar** · 11th July 2018, 04:42 AM

Originally Posted by Disco-tastic

A wise man once told me:
"If you have a son you only have to worry about one dick,

If you have a daughter you have to worry about all of them"

He he - reminds me of a post my Daughter put on Facebook the day she turned 20 - 'I survived Teenage pregnancy'

**Fifth Columnist** · 11th July 2018, 09:10 AM

I got a letter from the Blood Transfusion service that said I was "Blood Type E". I rang them and said there must be some mistake as I'd never heard of Type E, they apologised and said it must've been a Type O.

**350RRC** · 11th July 2018, 10:56 AM

Originally Posted by Homestar

He he - reminds me of a post my Daughter put on Facebook the day she turned 20 - 'I survived Teenage pregnancy'

Glad she was ok. What did she have, boy or girl?

DL

**Homestar** · 11th July 2018, 11:06 AM

Survived as in did not get pregnant.

**bob10** · 11th July 2018, 05:34 PM

Australian BushComputer Terminology.

Getting ready for Broadband

LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A pub snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooter.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

Thread: Jokes

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