Thread: Jokes

It sucks when people make one small mistake and get fired from their job for it.
A very sad day today, right after Christmas too! After seven years of training in the medical field and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Michael and Seamus were out in the Defender when Michael noticed that he was running low on Fuel.
"Better get some fuel" he said. It was a Puma and he didn't want to run out and have to bleed it etc etc.
As they were driving in to the pump Michael saw a sign that said
"Fill up and enter a competition for free sex"
So when he filled up and was paying for the fuel he asked about the competition for free sex.
The owner said all he had to do was to guess a number between 1 and 10 and if his guess coincided with the lucky number of the day he would get the free sex.
"6" said Michael.
"No" said the owner "Todays number is 5. Better luck next time".
So off went the two lads a little disappointed...as you would be.
Couple of weeks later the two boys arrived at the same fuel station for another fill up for the Defender. As he was paying Michael asked the owner if the competition for free sex was still running.
"Yes" said the owner "just guess the lucky number of the day."
"2" said Michael. "Unfortunately today's number is 3" said the owner and off went the two lads.
Driving out Seamus says to Michael "I think that competition is a con".
"Oh no it is genuine enough" said Michael "My wife won twice last month".

Last night, I gave my wife my medieval battle uniform to polish whilst I went to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

Last night, I gave my wife my medieval battle uniform to polish whilst I went to the pub.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

A well placed "comma" there

Two Indian drug addicts mistakenly injected curry powder. One is in hospital with a dodgy tikka, the other is still in a korma.

I was in the states last week, trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is, and it was so bloody frustrating.
Everyone kept telling me it's private.

Good that you didn’t ask “who is on first base” , Eevo.

I'm reading a story in braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.