Thread: Jokes

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night. Damn near poked my eye out

Four older women are sitting around playing Bridge.
The first lady says,
“You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”
The second Lady says,
“Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady,
“I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says,
“I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make.

Originally Posted by V8Ian

Ain't that the truth!

it's sign to warn grey nomads towing caravans to check their mirrors for vehicles wanting to overtake them and to get ready to open the nitreos oxide valve.

i taught first aid for 10 years and they told me that water doesn't come out of people's mouth when doing CPR, But one day at the River Murray while fishing we pulled an unconscious guy out of the river but he was so heavy i could only pull the top half out, so i started CPR and water came out of his mouth with every compression, the harder i pushed more water came out, then a guy came up to and said if you don't pull his backside out of the water you are going to empty the whole of the River Murray .

Originally Posted by Eevo

i taught first aid for 10 years and they told me that water doesn't come out of people's mouth when doing CPR, But one day at the River Murray while fishing we pulled an unconscious guy out of the river but he was so heavy i could only pull the top half out, so i started CPR and water came out of his mouth with every compression, the harder i pushed more water came out, then a guy came up to and said if you don't pull his backside out of the water you are going to empty the whole of the River Murray .

Right up there with the standard I've come to expect.

DL

Watching the olympics equestrian and I’m wondering if the competitor wins, does the horse get a medal too? Poor things doing all the work!

Originally Posted by Eevo

Watching the olympics equestrian and I’m wondering if the competitor wins, does the horse get a medal too? Poor things doing all the work!

Hey?

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks
on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."