Thread: Jokes

Hi,
Hop to it and stop frothing about or you'll get drafted.

Cheers

A bloke was pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop asked what's your name? WHITEHALL, where are you from? BOONDALL, where are you going? BLACKHALL, what sort of car is this? VAUXHALL, what's in the boot--------------------Nothing.

Originally Posted by Tins

He's a little bitter. Tries to hop but can't get ahead.Doesn't know what ales him.

I'm sure it's no barrel of laughs dealing with a publishing house about a book on beer, when your writing has become stale, they're bound to set a high bar, and pour on the pressure to make sure their delivery date is satisfied, a discussion like that would leave a bad after-taste.

"The doc told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act."
"The man decided, 'What the hell, I'll try it.'




He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.


Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.


He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, 'What?'



He heard, 'This is the police. What's going on down there?' The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.'


'Well,' the cop answered, 'you might as well check your brakes, too, while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago.'"

"An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'"
"'Of course, child,' the priest says. 'What may I do for you?'


'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'


'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'


'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,' she replied.


When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'


'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'


The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'


Father replied, 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.'


Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'"

"A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'"
"To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'


'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'


He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, 'Why are there three in this package?'


The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'


'Cool,' says the boy. He notices a six pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'


'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.'


'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies:


'Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March...'"

"A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator."
"'What are you doing?' the mother exclaimed.




The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'


Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.


'What are you doing?!' he exclaimed.




The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'


A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the football on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.


'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.




He replied............'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'"

From 8 out 10 Cats Does Countdown....

Two ugly sisters from Fordham,
went for a walk out of boredom,
on the way back, a sex maniac,
jumped out a bush but ignored them.

Poor old Alice form flat 82,
passed long before anyone knew,
she died in the loo, her dog ate her too,
and all they found was her shoe.

How might a person who suffers from dyslexia, spell their condition...dailysex.