Thread: Jokes

a blond boards an aircraft and by passes the hostes and runs and sits in first class

with that the hostes ask's her what she is doing?, that infact her ticket is for econamy not first class!

she replies

"im blond, im beautieful, im flying first class to L.A and i can do what ever i like"

with that the hostes ask's her againe what are u doing?

she againe replies

"im blond, im beautieful, im flying first class to L.A and l can do what ever i like"

with that the hostes ask's a few more times and finally give's in and goes to talk to the captain, he instanty comes back to first class and has a word to the blond

"what seem's to be the problem miss"

with that she replies

"im blond, im beautieful, im flying first class to L.A and i can do what ever i like"

and with that he bends down and whispers in her ear and she "jumps up" and and runs back to economy and sit down nice and quite

and the hostes ask's the captain "what did u say to her"

he explained

" I simply told he that first class isn't flying to L.A today"


"boom boom"

cheers

CAKE OR BED?
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVEAGL WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?I DON'T THINK SO. FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVEWESTINGHOUSEWRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVEBUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS............................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

Originally Posted by Wortho

Heard two baked beans talking about where to go for there holidays yesterday.
They decided on cairns.

Whatch it ol mate, haha

I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work.

I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car and wouldn't you know it, he was a dwarf.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said "I'm NOT f*#%ing happy!"

So I said "Well, which f*#%ing one are you then?"

And that's how the fight started......

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly, tells the first guy, I.....w...a...s......a...l...m...o... s..t........m..a...r...r...i...e..d"

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"

The reply comes, "Y..e..s , ....I....w..e..n..t.....t..o.....a....d..o..c..t.o ..r......a..n..d.... he...... t..o..l.d..... m..e.... t..h..a..t..... i..f..... I...... s...p..e...a...k..... s..l..o..w.l..y ...... I .... w..o.u..l..d..... n...o...t.... s...t..u...t...t...e...r"

The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.

W..e..l..l,..... m..y..... f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a..n..d........ I...... w..e...r...e..... s..i.t..t..i..n..g.... o..n.....h..e..r....... p.. o..r..c..h... a..n..d.... h.e...r... d..o..g... w..a..s.. s...c..r..a..t..c..h.i..n....g...... h..i..s....b..a..c..k....s.o..... I.... t..o..l..d.... h..e..r...... t...h..a.t......w...h. e..n..... w..e.....a..r..e.... m..a..r..r..i..e.d,.....s..h.. e...... c..a .n...... d..o..... t..h..a.t..... f..o..r..... m..e ...... a..n..d..... t..h..e.n.... s.h..e.... t..h..r..e..w..... t..h..e..... e..g.a...g...e.. m...e...n...t r..i..n..g..... i..n..... m..y..... f ..a..c..e"

Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the friend.

W..e..l..l , ..I.....s..p..e.a..k.....s..o.....s..l..o..w.l..y, .....t..h..a..t... b..y.....t...h ..e...... t..i...m...e..... s..h..e..... l..o..o..k..e..d ....a..t .... t..h..e ... .d..o.g,..... h..e ....w..a..s.......l..i..c..k.. i..n..g ...h..i..s ..... b..a..l..l..s."

Voted Best Joke of the Year inAustralia

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Was in NZ a couple of years back in a pub having a pint.
I left and went outside, and round the back there was a guy shagging a sheep.
I said to him "Oi mate, back in Australia, we shear them!"
He said "puss off! I'm not sharing it with anyone."

Snow White was giving the 7 dwarves a bath and they were all feeling grumpy


So he got out